Joe Rogan Experience #1446 — Bert Kreischer Transcript

Transcript

0:00 And we're live. You look good. Like where I was like, no road. a while it is nice you realize what a beating our lifestyle takes on your body the travel and then And he got it, and he got pneumonia, too, and he said it He's a fucking straight up savage I've had two patients get it, shitty cold and loss of a sense of smell and taste, Bam. And he's concerned.

3:23 And I think we're still trying to figure this out. But maybe other people are going to have a real hard time with it, like Michael Yeo. That scared the fuck out of me. Ah, the coronavirus. What's crazy about Osterholm is he predicted I didn't want to say it but I was like, I've heard. I'm talking to you. I didn't want to say it, but I was like, piecing together at all my good friends, who's my

5:13 Booze. Like, most people would be really fucked up if they were in your position. Because whatever the fuck is keeping you going with all this booze, There's no other way. Just stop. A man two days in and he tapped out. He's a real comic, man. Man. But understanding what we're doing and don't say, oh, you really mean that or, oh, you can't joke about this.

8:05 Sometimes it blows up in your face. No. I was telling, you know, I got into a conversation with Ari about what the parameters of a joke were after the whole Kobe Bryant shit. It was a joke. And I said, yeah, as long as they're white. And that's what- Because when we get together, it's fun. of office politics and office behavior And sometimes you're working with girls, and you're working with guys, and everybody's flirting with each other.

11:20 No. is he serious? I have to stand up and We were at drop-off and we found out we got an email about some what's we'll call it and the mom sent it from her It's like if you accidentally did porn, but when you clearly, like Kim Kardashian, it process like but when you see uh like a mainstream porn star that's been in like a tons of movies You know, like you realize

13:43 Allegedly. Wow. I'm in this other group chat and these comics are like, these kids are so stupid. They want to fuck, or they're in Florida on spring break. I was involved in a lot of really stupid shit because I was around some kids that were sketchy when I was a kid. They were like, it was weird. called Death in the Shopping Mall And these guys would fucking go off and in there playing guitar and fucking screaming and i was i guess i was 11 no 13 yeah i

16:48 You went to Gainesville? It was nothing crazy. like i immediately went into this crazy environment of whoa whoa whoa whoa like i was like my dog When you were 10, same sort of situation? That's hilarious. Yeah. I just want to be someone's friend. And it's one of the reasons why I value community today. Because I remember kids would always start fights.

19:57 I found this lake that was there. But you learn about you want to get high? Dude was selling weed at 13. You guys cool? You're a jelly bag made out of fucking human skin covering these brittle bones. good way to be it's not Well, I think you're thinking of Rampage. You're definitely right. And Rashad was like, you a bitch. But once you're not doing that anymore, look to Rashad.

23:22 He was always a great guy, but he's more at ease now. In my head, it's this weird thing about, I had all this press, like, all these marketing ideas. I mean, I think having a few conversations like this, people are looking for shit to do right now. Dude, me. They didn't know any of them. There was a lot of them that they were touch and go. It's on Netflix, and it might be the most amazing show I've ever seen.

26:05 Everyone wants a cub. Here's the thing, man. this Oklahoma property. Oh my god. Oh my god. That is so crazy. When you get into these guys' lifestyles, this guy married one. Really? We giggled. Is that it? And within No, no, no. Well, I think it's cool to watch because it's not killing him. So if you keep bears really well fed, they're probably pretty chill.

29:38 bear like apple pies and blueberries and stuff. There's a lot of people that shouldn't have dogs, especially in L.A. They have such long necks. Does it say? I'd live in Ohio and raise. Serval cats. either John Jones or someone else who had them. Can you out-party me? I just go party with John Jones, John Jones goes to the Dark Lands. That's my new TV show. There's his cat. Can you out-party me?

31:39 these crazy noises. They feed it every day. fur and just flopped her back and get pet all the time. And that's all she was interested I love cats. You've got to fix them all. Like my dog Marshall, he's not fixed. He's fine. There's nothing wrong with them. First of all, you gotta castrate the males. You gotta fix them all. and just have them have a bunch of babies,

34:13 Like, police dogs, none of them are fixed. Yeah. Like you can have dogs that have their testicles. And I threw a towel or a bathrobe or something over him, and I scooped him up, So I think you get him fixed like seven, eight, nine months, something like that. I'm like, he's in there. Are you guys going to be able to get him out? can you help me get my cat out of the tree? And I was like, yeah, sure.

36:49 My cat that was feral, he was a, he was a trip. like really loud he would be fine but as soon as i put him down he'd hiss at me and run away and You're like, I'm just going to fucking live with this cat for a while. Just me. They were like, yeah. I had this other cat that I had from the time when I was like 25, and that cat was a cunt. Everybody loved her.

39:15 And I was like, that is so insane. But you can't do that with cats. Yes. I guess I've only seen female cats and kittens when I think about it. Cat sprayed my car one time and I was like, fuck. I was with my little sisters in the back, and this girl leans forward, and there's like a brown stain on her back. And Connie's like, no, no, I'm pretty sure I smelled it.

41:41 I was never a cat person. Yeah. I loved him. 13, which is very, very old for a mastiff. Just starts licking her face. I had a joke. Easily. There was some speculation about Tamiflu, We're on lockdown transportation. you know, we're hearing about cases in Italy and fucking Australia, everywhere. We're hearing I've read doctors that think it's nothing.

45:40 Dude. But at the same time, they were talking about how under control the government had it and how we're prepared and how it's going to be fine. How are they supposed to? Like if you have information that can allow you to make money, well isn't that like what everyone's I'm sure there's a logic to it. I'm a completely different direction, tell people everything's going to be fine, but then start

47:52 to me too like i don't know what should the rules be with information in the stock market the stock them. You can't work. Manufacturing is up. Everything's up. Everybody's happy. everything's groovy. People are buying like crazy. Manufacturing is up. Well, of course it's going to crash. That's where my brain goes is, like, We used to go to them way back in the day.

50:22 And they were doing good business down there. We should set up something for the improv, too. Yeah, headliners. relied on that system of going club to club and picking up a little for people don't know a lot of comedians in New York there's like New York's probably the most condensed It's amazing how like a comic can think in another comic's level.

52:31 and it was always No. It's my favorite. I've made Bill tell this a number So, Bill's doing his high energy happy act and it's to a prom crowd and a bunch of fucking The number one thing this whole thing has done is made me think how much I waste shit. podcast and I'm so glad to know that you were talking even said my name Why don't I just get in shape and get healthy and get in control of my weight so I'm not

54:53 And some people were actually telling me, like, hey man, stop drinking you can die you told me that and you you said to me when we were leaving you were like Do she was a different way like I had a like pause like it's totally different kind of sound but yeah but authentic yeah yeah it's so sexy man like bjork was so hot Just cause she's famous It's just not smart.

57:32 getting your bags. Dude, they were showing up at places where we weren't with cameras. kicking our ass and I just really feel like we've got to get on listen to and see in a certain direction. It's an editing show, right? And they'll show a puppy peeing on her. And someone was like, no, man, they've been getting their asses handed to them for so long by Trump that this is where they're making their money back.

1:00:10 doing jiu-jitsu and you make a terrible mistake and all of a sudden you're trapped in someone's Someone did it to George – I think it was George Lopez said something like build a wall or something. But Fredo made me giggle. it did make it more enjoyable it was so ridiculous I love him. With the I, you know i understand It's like that's very important for just the morale of the nation in a weird way.

1:03:08 People are like, why are you joking on Joe Biden? You've got to be able to talk really well if you want that job. I don't. on all of those and chooses the right people for both pandemics and the economy. to juggle. Bro, it's madness. Like, this is our dream hunk. Like that's, this isn't, we can do this. this is the time. And the whole thing together is a giant problem for everybody that survives.

1:07:02 You know how the world works. This is the one we've got to really pay attention to. out hiking. I never thought about that. to imagine battleship It can barely Because we didn't see it, even though we knew it was possible, we didn't see it happening to us. Something was changed. What did you think, though? Yeah. Who doesn't do comedy anymore is going to get a lot worse than anyone thinks. We need to stay home. You need to start spreading

1:11:33 I come off. But come the fuck off. It's genius, really. I'm sending this to all the smart people I know. Four of you. Shit you were right She did? Him and her got onto it on screen. She's crazy. mandate on what you're allowed to talk about or not allowed to talk about? Like if they sit you It might have been. I don't want to look right now, but let's just take that away from him.

1:15:13 Yeah. It happened around 2009 in December. Then I go through my Instagram or my Facebook photos and I look. My mom didn't get it. I mean, I thought it was, I've always written it off to walking pneumonia. Is that a word, fatalization? It's funny how saying something wrong the wrong way wrong? I pitched But this is how easy it is for us. you to preserve food you could take fish and meat and all these different things you can cover them

1:18:15 having fucking wars over salt. Oh, yeah. shit that'll never happen to us because it would have never happened to us economically as fucked No one thought that. It's going to keep getting out if they get it. do they keep instituting different measures? it up you know what if like five months later they realize well what we've done is instead of like

1:21:01 They're worried it could flare up again. what it is to be a person, what this life is. Some people walk down the street. i had like a fucking insane toothache in the middle of the night the other night right i had I really do think we're going to fucking flatten this curve and things are going to go back to normal and everyone's going to be safe. I hope kids,

1:23:49 Well, there's levels that this can drop. no guarantee that this fragile system is going to stay in place, particularly if something bad happens like a solar flare. They're always happening. with what's his name yeah taryn tactical man i know how to use my gun i feel very confident with You take a test, you buy the gun, and then you have to wait 10 days.

1:26:23 and you know how to remove a magazine. You didn't have to definitely show that you know where the safety is and remove a magazine. So I never figured out. I got the one that goes but I didn't and I didn't know how to get out I was like I called my buddy gentlemen over a short period of time. I had a weird epiphany My pleasure. I just love the fact that this company started out during the pioneer days.

1:28:12 I mean, I think that Well, I think, yeah. I always felt like a hippie when I was wearing it. It's really, really durable. they start ripping that hemp motherfucker that thing doesn't rip at all it's an alien planet pound kettlebell. You hold on to a 35 Weightlifting is my thing right now. I like the way you're saying it, too. and makes you less vulnerable to breaking your leg if you fall down.

1:31:11 You know, you can do all kinds, like you can do significant numbers of push-ups and bodyweight squats. Especially if you get silly You could get shredded. When we were doing that on the road, I was like, because Marky Mark and Dr. Oz did their push-ups. Definitely. About just, I don't know, like a PR campaign. He's got a lot of great movies. I got a hug from Jeremy Renner.

1:33:36 He's really cool. There's no magic pill. It's a little bullshit. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I really thought that was Mark Wahlberg in front Why does he have gloves on, though? Oh yeah. He's doing great. Okay. You know what I mean? oh really oh my kind of people like like it is it is like borderline retiree that's what i want for It's idyllic. They were from more of an urban part.

1:38:25 They're all trying to figure their way through life, but like ultimately it was a pretty nice place to live and also the road doesn't exist anymore because there's so much snow. But there's something to be said for a, it is cool to be a grown up and see snow for So all those years of living in California and Florida, obviously, I never saw snow. Yeah.

1:39:56 in terms of like their attitude about things, It's just that the numbers of people that are interesting that I'm friends with. and there was a part above my parents' bedroom where you could stand on the roof. Every car that went down the street was fucked because they didn't know that it was all black Jesus Christ. We've had a lot of weed and pot and alcohol.

1:42:05 And we told them, hey, there's all these cars, like two cars in a row have come down this hill. Did you not listen? Like, we know better. It's really important to shovel snow. Oh, wow. Some people were really generous. that is dude I would come home wrecked just wrecked dude I we were we were at a yurt at 7,000 feet in fucking Idaho right and I low on oxygen we've been

1:44:32 it. It sucks When it snows out, you go over to your mother-in-law's But while I'm doing that, no one's looking over my shoulder. He's like, hey, man, it pays good. Oh, okay. Matt. Stay gold, Ponyboy. Singles. He's preposterously handsome. It's passed. Not me and Matt Dillon. She's someone's daughter or something. I didn't know about oh, dude that bum me out so bad. I'm a

1:48:30 God. you always think, They can get in a bad way, They can get in a bad way. He was such an interesting guy. Dude, we went camping. So we bust out the vape pen. He wanted to pass into the next dimension. And I always was happy that he liked me. When Showtime did my special machine, Helen, I keep saying Helen. I had the lowest rated special out of all of them for the whole year.

1:51:46 Like thumbs down. what we do is that like, been like episode three four maybe even before you started calling it Joe Rogan experience And I fucking, he did this monologue that I was like, dude, When he got into jiu-jitsu, I was so happy. What's his name? he was smoking cigarettes. And he wasn't exercising at the time, and he was drinking a lot. He didn't need it anymore.

1:54:51 Like, and I, you know, It's rough. was that his and my wife's like this guy's fucking amazing, Bert. Or like Brian Redman? one of graham's books i believe it's i always say footprints of the gods but it's really fingerprints we love to think that things are static and nothing's static look at that what year was that man september 25th 2011 wow so wait how long has this podcast

1:58:37 you could only have done For the first 80 or 90 the conversation i'd be like have we started the podcast dude dude i remember i remember that time your dog, and the pool table. Then we need to get high on to your podcast and you go it's one of the best stories it's one of the best stories ever told This dude in the front row, death squad, ride or die.

2:00:50 You can do it. And that machine story went viral that week. Just I stand by luck. I go, oh, yeah, thanks. Joey, Ari, Tommy, we're all trying to be your friend, Bert. Well, we have to tell you And we went yeah, and you're like no, I don't think I understand you go me Joey Ari Tommy Or belittle you You go, what are you doing? Just come to the fucking ice house.

2:03:30 We've been doing push-up challenges every night. Hilarious. steaks. We fucking had a great time Is he? He's tomorrow? Two Bears, One Cave. Do you know who Mac Lethal is? Did you hear Eminem when he did that Eminem challenge? Ladies and gentlemen, the fast rap off. there was a celebrity that would love your comedy? I know you hate that guy He used to go to a lot of comedy shows.

2:06:24 I was like, Jesus Christ, Gene Simmons in the fucking audience. I was obsessed. Wait, how old were you? I go, we're not done. And I'd hop up. Yeah. mellow with the guitar, with the crazy guitar. Yeah. The picture of them in the suits? Yeah. Picture them in the suits? I don't remember the story, but I saw it one day. And clogs. They thought they were a joke, and you were a fool if you liked their music.

2:09:10 I was like, hard pass. But they wore differently they added a fox one guy was a fox and people were like get the fuck out of here That's the fox. You can't add new characters. I hooked him up with my manager. Gary Valentine, one of my favorite stories ever. whacks all over his lips, Isn't it interesting? Brothers. He was like, what are you partying for?

2:12:06 on his third season of I did some terrible movies that nobody saw before. You can actually dance. All the stuff with me and Leslie Bibb Like, when you see how hard it is to actually dance, you go, my God. My daughter's my daughter is his head my daughter's saw Tom's video and they looked at it and they're like the fact that Tom did it in a Steven Seagal

2:14:42 Like when he put that out out it meant so much to me made me so fucking excited He told me... The times I stay up in bed going, this is how I'm getting Tommy. fans go I want his special Let all that shit go. We can all do better. Yeah. I love giving it away too, man. Locked down. And I think this is, if the power goes out, if it meant, hold on, Yeah.

2:18:32 Just let me handle this stuff, and you do your job, and I'll do my job. just like I appreciate the gig I got at Fear Factor. Yeah. Fuck! they would be like, There's not a giant corporation behind them that counts on them. I mean, that's why politicians and political speeches are so strange. You're putting on an act. You're up to early people. Now, when someone's talking in that voice, you have no idea what their real thoughts are.

2:22:00 But he was talking about porn he jacked off to Ooh, you just hit a fucking nerve. Yeah, you know you know I mean like you only want one like if there's only four of these bags in North America About one pair last night. and it's hard to get famous so when you're not around town in a fucking 2001 honda accord and you see someone step out of a bugatti veyron that

2:24:27 two things don't work together. Why? It's because Paint the whole fucking house. That is such a fucking investment to fuck you. That's to you. He is fucking, fucking awesome. But I got it Yeah he's a dude experiencing something that a small fraction of all the humans who have ever lived them all and we just the first week of pandemia levels that I've seen them all, and we just, the first week

2:27:36 He's one of the best actors we've ever had. for. He's Johnny Depp. Dude, he's done everything. I'm gonna make it to heaven. That Edward Scissorhands after he got killed by the worst guy Look at him. Congratulations to him for making it Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. This is like... Like Crazy Horse even did that. who brings the Lone Ranger back from the dead. Is bullshit.

2:31:24 I'm a little high. Me so horny. Oh, nice. It's found to be true, though. Yeah. A gorilla. There it is. Well, he needs to let that go. You could do that. Right. We have no idea. to, like, just make some sort of healthy competition out of it, a la Sober October. Listen, we're doing a podcast, bro. Everything I, everything, if you had told me in college, hey man, you know that guy on

2:34:29 Oh all of our lives have man, you know for me to be me is one of the weirdest things to you know We could definitely do that. There's the kitchen staff and all these places, I think that would be great for all of us. It's the best. we got a great backyard. This is the best thing you can say then it's more likely to be true It can compound. And I think, I don't know,

2:37:45 And I was like, yeah, right? You should call her up. We have no idea. Do not know. wants to sneak into her lungs and shut them down. because you know that their words are not honest San Andreas. Yeah. No. We love it. Oh, they, no. 100%, bro. Unify the country. Impossible. Can't be done. We love it. Say a bunch of mean shit to him and then attribute to his decisions what the economy's doing

2:41:28 She replied. She was like, hey, thank you. that she was walking around with. Yeah. No, he's, uh, Kevin Hart's funny as fuck. I'm 47 years old. It's fun, man. Like my daughter the other day said something about Kevin Hart. I know everyone. And he goes, I'm his brother. He's a legit professional pool player. Like legitimately. He had like legit back surgery.

2:44:30 His brother plays really good. Oh, yeah, no, like a real professional pool player. So the whole idea is just drilling, Darren Appleton Darren Appleton is like he was a top snooker player in England, Created two fucking monsters. Isn't it funny that men always think that? Whatever, his dad. It's because you want to please your dad, I think. That's me.

2:47:20 and we'll see how this works out. I thought I was good looking. Yeah. However, it's very valuable. It's called Aptiv, and there's this guy, Akeem. Tommy, I go, My OCD fucked up. The first one was easy. First Sober October, easy peasy. And I pretended I lost my dog. And that's when I watched the fire ignite in you When when Tom and I did the weight loss challenge and I just drank the whole time and lost like 40 pounds all that fun

2:51:16 don't have to and i went i already decided you don't have to that's such a tom thing he's like it for specials where I get so dialed in. Because I go, with this special, I was like, I don't want to be the guy that does the same special three times in a row. It was an homage to an old school joke, but present in my, the way I tell stories. I don't agree with that.

2:52:58 for you giving into that obsession so that the audience can experience like a really well crafted Every special that I've ever put out, I've always fucking hated immediately afterwards. He goes, it's brilliant, man. I know you hate it because you see it too much. So it's so hard for you to get a – and then the one thing I always say, and I'm going to say it again because it's just true.

2:54:39 that are laughing. It's a big part of what stand-up comedy is, is doing it. And I was looking at Google Maps. You just go look in there, spread it out, moving around. Tig Notaro, man. I, 1,300 people, I murdered. Here I am, like, raising my voice,, like going like, what's up UCLA? Wait a minute. But you did well in front of the crowd. Congratulations on that.

2:57:29 Jamie and I were talking to each other There was nothing real that was a real problem as opposed to every other single era of humanity, I know so many left-wing people lining up to buy guns now. Like, whoa, whoa, whoa. I mean, it's robust in terms that it handles millions and millions of people, and a big part of those conditions is the power grid.

2:59:27 Brilliant, right? As long as there's no coyotes around, that's the number one problem that I have is coyotes would target the chickens. The best thing your wife ever did in my entire life affecting me Really good. Roosters are cocksuckers. I had David Tello, my man cave doing a podcast with Tommy, and a chicken started laying. It would be so ridiculous.

3:01:23 Yeah, so if an egg falls and breaks, you've got to be really careful that the chickens don't find out about it. That fucking cunt chicken is trying to eat the baby. Yeah. Have you ever seen them in real life with a mouse? I've been thinking about hunting rats with my pellet gun. The thing you find a way inside your house. I'm like, I'll clean it in the morning.

3:03:26 I went out in the morning to go look at it. I think about it. I got a fluff ball cat. I was surrounded with weird animals. I remember hearing you talk about those times where you'd come home and the dogs would have fought over something. She's so adorable. I was a moron, you know? So she had been inside this place for several months So now that she's finally getting love, love was so valuable that other dogs,

3:05:21 She didn't want him to be pet. it home, it just was not tolerating any bullshit, and it had this attitude no matter what. like a very valuable commodity So they were fun together. Dude, I love dogs, man. Yeah. What do you got? They're so smart. retrievers. rarely tears his toys apart. Yeah. You got to get her in soon. Priscilla Yeah, so you've got to teach him the way out of the pool, and hopefully you've got to have a dog-friendly pool.

3:09:00 It's not easy for them like it is for us. What? Oh. And so it's bringing that goddamn thing around everywhere. Yeah, exactly. Look at this. Look at that thing go after Look at the fucking athleticism these things have. Although we were just talking the other day about someone who had one That's like, that's on the high end. Apparently, that's the thing they're breeding.

3:12:47 Look, it's got double canines. Really? I sleep in this bed. I let this giant beast get too comfortable in my house. It does. that's one. When was the last time you got attacked by a dog? That's a girl, too. Jesus Christ That's like having a polar bear. Yeah, those are... You have a super athlete. But even then, when I've heard about You know, he's 6'5 or whatever he is.

3:16:40 Who are you and where's the big guy? You don't know what was going on. the time it's a puppy no puppies are yeah and there's nothing better that the dog we have now can appreciate them more sometimes unless it's your baby. They're so ador- they're universally adorable. Have you ever given it lessons do you give it Look at me and go, oh, sorry. She learned how to open the trash can, like pull the cabinet and just stick her head in

3:19:32 It might be. God damn You were on Destiny Boulevard That's ridiculous I don't know. We've been going. I'm so glad that with all this craziness, we can still do something like this. Let's break the internet, you fucks. Yeah, I do. I love you too, man.