Joe Rogan Experience #145 — Bert Kreischer Transcript

Transcript

0:00 The General Experience. Brian's just getting crafty today. Yeah. addictive not for a bad reason. It's addictive that works awesome. Yeah. I mean, you is like borderline homeless. like he doesn't give a fuck. got a good one that's how you know you got a good one. That's how you know you got a good one. Right. Girls who like facial hair. Any girl wants you to, ew, shave all that.

2:05 my wife was like, So this is like from Biggest Loser Keep it Christian, they said to you. And I go, he said one of the greatest things in a workout. And I'm peddling and peddling. Because then I ended up, the only thing that bummed me out was he's gay. No idea. But she doesn't know. I don't know. Yeah he's definitely gay For a lot of people Some dudes fuck fat chicks.

4:58 Making me nervous. So the whole time, we were constantly around gay people. and I was like, oh, this is the creepiest fucking overly aggressive lesbian are you doing here but no one wants you here and you'd be like and then my friends would be like Some pent-up hostility there, Bert Kreischer. And I offered to give it to you again today. Okay? But it was so fucking real.

8:09 solved the day i'm not concerned because i know what not to say because i know how that goes now This is a dream. I just go, fuck it. None of this is real. to work on in my sleep. But man, these things are fucking awesome. But in these, instead of being made out of a bubble, it's made out of a dodgeball. about flying around like you were saying there's this thing called uh body with these body

10:58 Look at this shit I've seen this. Like more than dudes. And we did something with someone who was doing a shark diving thing. Let me tell you something. just don't let everyone The trolls are in motion. crush. If she was a dude, she'd be your bestie. And I've been with a lot of, I don't know how rich she is, but I'm assuming she's wealthy. And I was like,

13:19 Some of they sent extra shit up to her room and she was like, They got crafty. I walk in. He slept outside my room. It was like an hour drive. Gracias. Aquí. Guy was fucking awesome No Wanted to get drunk with her Yeah. Dude. Really? So I wanted to say, do you want a cigar but instead i just looked at him like do you have a fucking cigar oh no and he was like no no but wow it was awesome it was

16:16 on Mexican material. of Mexico, it's really safe. right to detroit you would be convinced that the holocaust has already happened Really? Right, the percentage of people that get murdered. Yeah, someone just told me that. You're supposed to say Inuit. Eskimo is like slur, by the way, up there. Did you know that? Yeah, someone just told me that. How ridiculous is that?

18:16 This guy said Orientals once, and someone said, hey, man, that's a slur. Because oriental is an object. Yeah, when you could purchase people to make your railroads. I never thought of it that way. In Canada, they call Indians, what we would call Native Americans, they just call them natives. 600 years ago and you know there would still be people there 600 years ago here

20:19 I mean, it would be like close to death. podcast fanagy but you and callan had talked about that one time and i have been obsessed They figured that out because some guy was convinced that the Mormon books were true actually did a DNA test and they had the same culture killing things with bows and arrows pretty nuts man I you said something that i that i don't i'm gonna hopefully this will make

23:11 They taught us how to make fucking tobacco. Yeah, we should know. and he was slam racist, older, like from the South. And he was slamming like fucking And I was like, shut up. This was all post when they had built those pyramids. horse on the plane you're you're off the show yeah you know you you uh listen to the podcast Age of Aliens? No, Graham Hancock is the guy with the British accent.

25:48 I don't have a problem with it. Man, I don't know if I have anything to talk about man i go don't worry about it dude let's just Oh, dude. What were you going to say? Oh, it was when a guy caught the first twister in the UFC. then i just start reading all his Wikipedia, watching all his videos, I was like, how did that? Well, they're scared about doing it.

28:30 mind and in 45 days we are all going to get rid of our local pot shops because obama is destroying You could not have said that gay. I've seen her nipple and she farted in a month. No, no, no. Yeah. Just to loosen up. You know what I'm talking about? And it was another fucking weather guy. We've got a high pressure system coming in for the East. stand-up comic since 1999, what got you started?

31:03 And the dude wakes up in the middle of the night because he hears bathtub. No, the dude's face was purple. So what's your alibi? partying, so much so that they made harder? Bitch, I party so hard with people, they die sometimes. animal but you can't fuck with that guy if you want to talk what's up who parties harder bitch And he's like... You come wandering downstairs

33:20 I did it recently just to try it out. Jesus Christ, you took burns from chasing the dragon. sure. That's how gross people who are addicted are. thing feeling when i do some drugs i'm just like you know what that's just a stupid ass drug and So anyway, this dude, Hamilton Morris, is the head psychedelic guy over at Vice.com. man. They go to Thailand. They go to Thailand

35:44 cement huts. Who are these guys to the place they're like like like you know like cement huts who are these guys dude they're bad asses and this this guy hamilton He bought a missile silo. Just look for Getting High on Crystal, K-R-Y-S-T-L-E. where they were doing liquid DMT was doing bad things So he turns his buddy in And all over the place, they're just doing insane drugs at every stop along the way.

38:28 hey, your fucking girlfriend and her new hotel room, and dopespes them and ties this dude I'm sure this is going to make it sound like I'm so lost in this story. No, it's all documented. nowadays, you're like, this has to be fake. that had already turned on somebody nowadays, it just seems so far-fetched Kilos. It does it. Barradariums. He called cigarettes

42:00 really fucked up would go on Facebook. That ecstasy Because it would be nice to get to a Dane Cook place in life or acid or ecstasy. Like when I'm With them about what is legal It's ridiculously flawed. And so I would make sure that before I got into anything, And by the way, don't do anything by yourself. And I think that's what you're supposed to do.

44:26 I'm sure I've said this a million times but I've done mushrooms and I've always had it was me and a bunch of comics Dallas Improv. What if I fucked up tonight? you know the only one is not for me to see have a fun party night at a piano bar somewhere in That's the move. Versus marijuana intake I find myself not I've heard drinking beer every day or drinking a glass of whiskey.

46:59 basically is, you know, especially like one beer for the average liver, it's no big deal. and then you're dealing with used to do a beer water beer water or drink water or drink, water, drink, water, drink. That was nothing. that's the confusing part on the flip side though people also think i'm drunk when i'm not Well, they think you're just telling a joke, too.

49:09 Yeah, like UFC. No, but I tweeted that you said it was going to be fucking sick. And he's fighting Gray Maynard, who's a really thick guy. Frankie Edgar rebounded. Then he came back It looks like he's on the verge of getting stopped. Third round, same thing. Never have I seen a guy get hurt And this motherfucker is so tough that he just gutted it out.

51:26 People were standing on their feet. Yeah, it's not relaxing, man. like, Really? but you did too, like twisting and turning my body. Like, tap, tap. Come on, dude on dude tap like i've said it before when guys don't tap i'm like come on man It's a new one Homie lost his eye. The horn Yeah, I got mauled by a bull. It's online? The Hurt Bert was a show I had before Burt the Conqueror.

53:54 That's from Hurt Burt. And then they just put me in the ring, and they pull a fucking bull loose. I was like, how do I get out of here with broken ribs? This is a documentary that you funded with Kickstart, right? That's awesome. because she can't even spend money fast Put a box on it and then send it across the country. It takes forever to weigh it. It takes a minute to putting a stamp on it. It takes forever to weigh it.

56:16 Well, she's probably going through to save money. I think that's terrorist. it sends my receipt to my email. No, it's going to be private third parties that have more sense. That's unfortunate. I know. Now, you hung out with Monkey Todd, and there was photos posted, and you were both not wearing Oh. Really? But every time you post photos The producer or director did not pull it either.

59:04 So it's like, what the fuck is he talking about? But that's how, if you're going to go live, man, when they get someone and we've had this a million times, I was stuck on the side of a road in Hollywood on Saturday, and I had to pee really bad, actually fits in Mountain Dew bottles. The P is Brian's common sense as he's just leaking it out of his body.

1:01:02 I just told you many times not to talk on the microphone like this because it changes the volume of the podcast. Yeah, if you want to, sure. most documentary which was one of the most amazing documentaries i'm so glad they played it fucking best documentaries I've ever seen. It's One of the best documentaries I've ever seen. And it lights up for me where my wife just glazes over it.

1:03:31 And you go, And of course we do the rounds in Amsterdam and get fucking lit up. So it's like you walk in and it's kind of creepy now that you say that because I don't know what we were supposed to do but there flying dildos too. So they do their thing. How long is each one doing? And we get to the guy I'm like I go, you better be fucking flying dildos.

1:06:21 So I'm like, fucking, I am definitely going up there. And she goes Like everyone's going fucking nuts in my mouth, naked, going do you have a photo of this? you'll win two tickets to Alphabray. We'll make it worth your while. He's extra silly today. I want to bring on 2012 and just off myself. The craziest I've ever had ever? 20 minutes ago you were just talking about smoking Oxycontin.

1:08:52 and see what happens i tried it twice and it's like you're that's like a drug that you could It's heroin. I've been around a lot of pills Wait, wait, wait. Yeah, his math is that. and you just kept going and really did what you said people did, 300, Yeah, sure. So it's like Alaska is what you're saying. I think alcohol probably more. the alcohol deaths really you can only attribute the the poisonings though the you know the rest

1:11:31 I'd probably say they did like whatever a bowl of really – a big, huge bowl of wheat. That's a lot closer than 300. Open up the door. I'm joking. No, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah they're definitely not here's the thing that's more dangerous about alcohol than or cold flu medicine I can take care of myself. I'm downstairs. And she's like, I get you a first class ticket home

1:13:05 Accidents, shit like that. Showers should be made out of rubber. That's a good point. looking at palm tree fatalities it's up there man because they're full of water but Do guys that cut those things off your trees for you, are they usually typically gay people? Wait. 70. I go, a tree? And he goes, sure. You ever just tugged on one? Are we playing in the front yard?

1:16:12 Yeah. puts out a taunting energy hmm taunting like you're saying i'm not scared of you bitch like You want to talk about some gay shit, you talk to St. Jude. Yep. Is that what's going on? My web guy put up something about the shirts Same thing happened with my DVD That's more like a hello Whoa That distributed the DVD I was like I don't have 10 grand man And he goes well you made you know that you can make that do it selling the

1:19:01 do whatever the one you can sell them and then the artist we had to come back to the artist and Oh, other people want it? that you can order them, Fucking non-stop. what the shirt looked like. The shirt, man. one asap like i want to wear it on fear factor i want to wear it on the podcast and so i so we You just made a badass shirt. What else going on?

1:21:21 Harder than... And he was a ruthless dude and did a lot of what a lot of people would say is questionable shit. and stuff like that. I'm a That is karma that comes back. day-to-day operation at where the phones are being made. You think they knew it? working under him and some of them who he didn't feel like met his vibration met his frequency he There was a part of Clinton getting caught getting his dick sucked in the White House.

1:24:20 What about this theory? he chose to live his life. He chose to live explosion when it reaches the middle, is a pretty fascinating individual. at least. This comes from a fan. And then I go, what? Why don't you send it to him, Brian? Yeah, Occupy Wall Street. you know... Let's try it. corrupt and absolutely incompetent Yeah. You're absolutely right.

1:28:18 You know it's bullshit too. What we're enjoying right now, this calm and chaos, is us being taken care of by our overlords. take over. They'd be like, hold on, where's I think, I mean I would imagine There will be like old debts that people are going to want to bring into play. And so, but fucking Is it really the only solution to get people to work

1:30:25 I don't know, but figure it out out don't use fucking slave labor man you know i mean i'm such a hypocrite expensive. It'd just be more expensive. Okay, so what you're saying is the countries were all fucked up before these people got there. slacks and a collared shirt really efficient robots that do most $800, what is the profit for them, you think?

1:32:19 And I'm too lazy to Google this. price. The new iPhone 4S, fucking screens they have what a 20 indian uh laptop right now or an ipad that just was but I'm not talking about the dudes who had paid to make this. profit where Steve Jobs has got to pay the guy. Or the Mitsubishi hand gel. In a weird way. I'm not saying, yeah, but my my point is it's not that he deserves his

1:35:12 Is that possible? He's hedging his bets. The guy that made the Google phone trying to broad stroke it uh whatever the other fucking phones are out there the Okay. want it that in a weird way you earn I never get viruses. I have no issues. It's a little more expensive. Yes, it is. Steve Jobs didn't die from a huge hypocrite. I think they have the best operating system. I love it. It doesn't crash. I never get viruses.

1:37:17 But I agree with what you're saying. But once you get to that place where you're the dude that made the sexy thing that everyone wants and you're the guy that created all this fucking microcosm of belief, of cult of personality about you, you start believing what the fuck you feel he probably got sick because he works too much. He created a cult and didn't even ask anybody to join the cult.

1:38:45 everyone, do me a favor right now. He created a tool. He created it out. He created a tool. I'm now really feeling like it's a tool, like a hammer. He was a dude sitting on a guy, sitting in a room with a bunch of ideas that he wanted to come out. I mean, I disagree. Steve Jobs created the PC, is what I'm saying. Apple did? I'm pretty sure they did.

1:41:11 the technology was introduced into the world, And by the way, Wozniak was the technical genius behind that. This is on a Mac. I'm just You're not very eye sad No, I don't want a smelly computer. Well, Brian was posting these videos and they were super creative. he has a sensibility He said he worked for Gateway Computers It was always like one fucking crazy retard after another.

1:44:00 Hey, by the way, I'm so mad All right, here, check this out. So we sit down, and then we were like, all right, we'll have the all-you-can-eat sushi deal. Right, right. So my girlfriend's like, I feel sick. Can we stop? Well, they probably have to get rid of it before it rots out. The waitress comes back. Yeah, because I went to the Olive Garden. This is awesome.

1:46:38 that this is a podcast? Who the fuck bash on franchise forget about that forget about that what I'm thinking? It's like people that bash on franchise restaurants. No, definitely not. The successful mom-and-pop restaurants, Brian, that is not true. Mama's pop shops are good. But it was so bad in a genius way because I'm sitting here laughing going, I can't believe that we're talking.

1:48:22 Don't apologize for talking. This isn't even remotely uncomfortable. Yeah, but this is extra. Are you happy with that story, how that all turned out? No, no, don't apologize. I think you're taking it different than what I actually mean. And you don't seem to feel that. When you tell Okay. But he's been doing-up, too. No, no, no, no, no. Is that what you think I'm talking about?

1:51:30 What's that like? Patrice O'Neal was like, it's fucking obvious. And a beautiful girl sitting next to me. aside he was like you might want to go out with her in the sunlight and like check her out i was I met her at her house. and I was like fuck she's got cerebral palsy like I didn't know but then I found out and then you her history that's got to creep in on her you know having a disability but she was a fucking

1:54:10 But yeah, but you know your first few dates with a chick, it's out. Wow. just so you know, she lived in LA. I go, Slash is in my green room right now drinking. slash and i pretty hammered it for like eight in the morning and then she gets up to go to the And they'd be like, oh, okay, they feel uncomfortable. Cerebral palsy is just like it happens whoa, I remember Patrice

1:56:57 Rescued cats. She's like, let's go on a hike. And it just, it is what it is. It is what it is. type moments and she just leaned over and she goes, Yeah. So hot I can't even tell you No I would offer it up as in I definitely was still in bed and she got out. my mouth or something like real like hit you in the center of the chest and you were like And I walked home.

1:59:40 and yelled something Yep, never. Yeah. Definitely. You go to bars by yourself? All the time. oh joe joe joe you got it you know kind of pool halls with bars by myself it's the same thing They want to tell you about their bad husbands. When I lived in Columbus, Ohio, I was like, So much better. Absolutely. It wouldn't. All she could do You're just really in a big, long tongue?

2:02:10 Is it real? Hey, Tupac, why don't you go from behind? Digital Underground was awesome. Oh, that's kind of cool. It's a totally different world for them. Eddie Bravo explained it to me because Eddie's a musician. successful. So No one wanted to play their shit anymore. You make the one with all the money. She's definitely smart enough But anyway, she broke down where the money goes when someone gets a record deal and how the money flows down back to the artist.

2:05:17 Now, really, the Internet is your friend. for free online now? They'll release their whole submit it, the company says we don't want it, everyone gets buys the album for like three times they were originally paid to make it. What are they? You can get some of their shit for free online. Really? And I'll turn you on. A little bit. Foxtrot? Dude, Gawker apparently has an article exactly saying what I said.

2:07:44 Well, it's unfortunate. Could be, but I don't think that's what did him. Really, I'm a big stickler for that, man. If you do, you're going to burn yourself out. or the dog just fucking wanted to eat my face and then yeah and then you and then i know even on the Well, you can die, too. And now I want to sleep really healthy fresh organic vegetables drink a shitload of water and the weight will fly off your body.

2:10:38 That stuff's all delicious. What am I going to do? We have a couple glasses of wine, and you and your wife are like talking. We definitely have sober dinners and you're like, Yeah. next to me as my bodyguard in Mexico, you'd definitely be like, he's lit up. What's a light day? I would worry about that. Yeah, but you're going to pay that. No, it doesn't fuck up your liver.

2:13:09 It doesn't fuck your liver up. doing... You should. Everybody should. You know, I'm not going to... I have a Heineken. I think some of the most fun times I've ever had has been buzzed. Yeah, but if you didn't have kids, would you do it every night? I'm funny or hungover. Hungover, you're funny. No, no, no. I'm always unhappy with myself. Well, most of what I do is try to get a light workout in

2:16:19 hungover and decided I'm just going to get Let me tell you something. with that fucking elliptical machine, My heart's pounding. You can't do it like a pussy. he's making fun of people By himself in a crunch. The last Tuesday in October, he's going to be doing it. Really? I think that's true because Todd Glass and I spoke on the phone once and he was like excited to get me on the phone.

2:18:21 You're accurate because I've heard that. Yeah. the things that I've learned about how to control myself and operate through life some of them that are funny like this these two i'm sending you aren't here i'll send you a funny You totally are a brand, though. back in I love those people. Exactly. that think in a completely different way and it's stifling.

2:21:51 Because they don't have it. Sunday, and I We had this power lunch, and we were all sitting in this Mexican place drinking margaritas before the fights and eating burritos. I got some videos of it. Some of them I can't a guy, and him and his buddies buddies, if they were funny, they were really funny Four Guys Smoking a Bong. they just figured out that if they tied the bong

2:23:54 Yeah. Wait till you get your first Comedy Central special. And so new people will come on and then just relentlessly torture the new people for being new. Just to stop dealing with all the negative shit? becoming famous you're dealing with a higher and higher volume of haters you stay in bed longer throw up shit on your Twitter You don't block anybody?

2:26:00 It's like a never ending story I know Tom Segura's trolling me Okay you ready Here's her name. This is what she writes. a virtual blowjob. Oh, I believe it's vice.com. There's a lot of people out there that are looking for someone to fixate on buddy Why wouldn't you think you'd have someone obsessed with you? Love you. It's got to be someone fucking with me.

2:28:02 Fuck no. No, no, it's not hard on myself, but if you read these tweets, I believe they're... It seems like fake humility. I love you on the podcast. And when Bert Kreischer's on, my God, he is so funny. They're out there, dude. They're real. Don't you wonder, though, We all do. Because I'm going to have to set up. That movie Catfish is all about that.

2:30:43 How's that funeral? Hilarious. Oh, it mean it's good i mean shit the um guy meets girl online on myspace good oh it's good Scary? Yeah That's a very interesting case Is and he released it on his own. But it's interesting. What's the premise? Yeah. football and you start comparing Really? luther king yeah playing with a negative person i don't think he should be fired i think they're

2:33:54 I bet if he sat down, fashionable right now to say that this country When 9-11 happened, it happened, but then we went after them. You can't. It's a moron premise You know what I mean? That's stupid shit. Do you get to a certain point What is this? and then got good jobs again. I'm totally, like, you know, I'm 100% irresponsible. his first name. He was like, just tell me who to shake hands

2:37:00 If you get a job A hundred percent. uh, These are, uh, or ma'am. But you're trying to relate Perfect example. And then when he got in trouble with selling arms to Iran, remember? Do you think Alzheimer's was kicking in? I know too much. He's like, okay, okay, okay, okay. And then he just shows up. There's a guy named Jamie Tingle and he goes, Mr. President,

2:40:04 a little thing comedy like that guy he just I don't remember the bit. But that's how those guys It's like making a point and having it be funny. Did you make a raindrop effect? No, it's four. I have a card I need to give you, though. Okay. Or drink our piss. It's another thing to drink somebody else's. That's that giant place, huh? Yeah, it's Hollywood, right?

2:42:42 So if people want to find you, it's Bert Kreischer. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday with Joey Diaz Poor Brendan. and throw all your shit in it. You'll never do it. I've got an author we're going to do RedBan, or subscribe to us on Thank you, everybody, for everything.