Joe Rogan Experience #161 — Bert Kreischer Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. like buddy i'm about to shit my pants. And he just left my daughters with me, like fucking dropped them and was like, I'm fucking out of here. She goes, what do you mean he had to shit his pants? I said where's the bathroom she goes downstairs and I went little I probably should have told him that and so

1:55 You roll the dice so much and get away with it like oh uh once a month i'm talking once a week he would this is before cell phones too he was in It would get dark, and my mom was like, I remember thunder and lightning, and he's just sitting in an orange grove naked like how did I didn't shit my. See, this is a perfect example. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

4:31 I always said it never fucking happened. What do you mean the Rolling Stone magazine came out? in like Tampa, Florida, So if I went out, So you became a celebrity partier overnight. say like reality show famous like the way snooki her first season was you know so that's how you sent espn sent a tour bus with two actors in it to come shoot a commercial of partying with me of

7:08 And I pop one. It's not like someone might not die of a fucking overdose around that guy. this and we're laughing our tits off this is well before anyone knows what the fuck this is wow and what's Dilaudid? That's like what, Yeah. Breaking beer bottles over our heads. But we had seen Bam do it, and we thought it was funny, I have no idea. I don't know know but i've made a living doing it it started it started off with like

9:12 It's great. Ridiculous retard shit. A real bull. No, no, no. where the gate opens. And a real uh that was really good that's really good footage we're gonna do it we need to do it like two more I mean, if you watch it online, it's they just replay. douchebag no he's he's he's in the now. He's not listening to any of this. Good. right now it's four seconds, and they're cutting this up to make it look longer but this is exactly

12:09 Oh, it replays itself? How much does that thing weigh? It's got to be 800 pounds that's it fucking i don't know i don't know yeah like it does. Look. Watch. I do don't I? How many times have these guys been hit? I'm going to bring it back to where we started. that was like unwinding that was nice that was like untangling a necklace i don't know how you

14:41 We're getting fucking hammered. piss on tables she's like my dad said he caught you pissing on her table i'm like your dad is Anywhere on your body If I pulled you over You know what you did. Get back in your fucking cage. how fucking bizarre is that? and then he blamed you maybe that would be no it's got weed in it And he's like, because her dad walked in on you pissing on the table.

17:45 I go, fuck, we did? This I start remembering. and they go, because there wasn't a handle on it. into the pantry i'm like i can't believe i'm being framed for this shit all of a sudden i start you ever have I woke up in the middle of the night, walked out to their dining room table, erect, and I'm like, oh shit. You gotta lean forward. He yells at me and he goes, where the fuck, what the fuck are you doing?

20:26 piss in a superman cape full of piss just lay curtain myself up to the neck go back to sleep So I get up... Maybe. of really drunk people peeing in suitcases that's. What? I've peed in hampers. Yeah, he probably peed on a fountain. Well, he didn't miss his flight. And I go, what? And I'm like, what happened, man? It was just a party time. i make french press coffee so i grind the beans, and I put nice water.

23:20 of days, I've had no caffeine, like the bless you god bless you and your nostrils you smell some coffee shits bunch of people with man, I'm fucking tweaking. I want to take a Xanax I debated back and forth whether or not to have one right before the podcast, and how bad it is on your muscles. So there's like all these different things, different processes that happen when your body gets severely dehydrated

25:43 If I want to have a couple of beers, I'll have a couple of beers. Because psychologically, when you resist something, I went on a diet once for a little while. good that's why i need to reel it in every now and then and go all right i need to be in control of some young girls uglier than me man i was thinking that today you start thinking things like that i

27:34 Let's see what's up. Smell of urine and dead sperm. I see what you're doing here. You enjoy the moment. The body. You know, those nights are fun, man. Also, you get outside of those casinos phone shit. Do you believe that? Yeah, it does go back and forth. You're gonna give a lot of money away. It's like the maze of The Shining. on the whatchamacallit i was like felt like was in a video game. It's called a highway, son. Who's

30:59 themselves in a much more rapid way. And I could smoke all night long and be fine. error and I've made quite a few errors. We all need to be terrified by There's no actual ending to any of it. is this life yeah no one knows not a fucking one no one That's why you need marijuana. the brave. You're locking people up for a plant that there's 100 people, and you claimed that you were the king of Burt World, and you got to establish all the laws.

34:07 So you'd find a warlord in your What I'm saying is that I think we really would be better off. I wonder what I'd do in a warlord. Putting it out at the end of the night. there were books oh brilliant brilliant books we've talked about them a few times so conan wasn't a But lived with his mother in his 30s and shot himself, killed himself. Man, that's...

36:24 or the little mouse that rode the motorcycle? No. Ralph? that was then. This is now at 13. That was my shit. You ever watch Swan Lake or The Little Mouse That Rode Their Motorcycle? Yeah, yeah. The timeline's a little switched around, Really? and watch the rest I saw some new dude, some new white rap dude on TV last night. Juan Manuel. What the hell were we talking about? What was the point? I don't know. Pac-Man? up Watching it And What was What the hell

37:50 You're getting your tattoos We smoked too much pot folks us off the fucking... You did, but it was worth doing. He's got a song. Manny Fresh from the Hot Boys. He always has the freshest cars. He hooks them up, makes them super stereos, like something tattooed on his face he's got like teardrops tattooed, and he has this star tattooed on his head. He's got something tattooed on his face.

39:42 I'm watching. If my grandfather, who came here from Italy in the 1930s, I think he came. I wish. There, I already said it. Sometimes too far east is west. Man, him and... Those guys are wild. Brian, back up. Click that. people want to still stick But they don't have it now, dummy. The other side's got something Read him? a living a sensational one out of just living big.

42:56 Stop me. He's crying. He's a wild dude. It was like the graphics logo. Yeah, I forgot. You still have it. Oh, okay. Everything's under control. That's really the smart way to do it. Or it doesn't matter. who directs the ufc is a very good friend of mine, Anthony Giordano, Oh, really? That's awesome. Am I talking into it wrong? Peed all over the table.

46:22 It was a huge boner. I wear the tighty-whity style, but I wear black underwear because I don't want to see that occasionally air doesn't leak out of there, What am I supposed to do? Get toilet paper out and dab pair of underwear without that dick hole you're like listen baby I got a pretty dick That's because you have a lot of potential for manliness.

48:29 People think you could have like giant balls. What it counts in America is how big are your balls. That's why a show like this guy who died recently They go back country squirrel outfit jump off the fucking thing and miss the ground yes miss the ground by like six Squirrel outfits? Because one mistake, one miscalculation of the terrain, Oh, that...

50:29 where you go, Some horrible fucking... He's stapled to your back. 26 people died, and it was like 2006 was the last year we looked at it. Mind you, it's like fucking August. And then you see a video. But then you do it and you you land, and you live, You feel like you've climbed the tallest mountain. You jumped out of a fucking plane. Like you feel limitless. You feel like you've climbed the tallest mountain.

52:40 And she goes, fuck it, out of the cage. I've been doing I have blacked out you blacked out with her before Is this a cuckold story? If you want to keep the party going, you have to tell no tales. She's a lot of fun. I don't really hear people talk shit about Rachel Ray. They videotape the whole shit for her show. yeah she loves comedy if you had another life

54:22 yeah You think that would have been... Be careful. Your mother's... Your wife. I know. My wife she's she's be careful your mother's your wife i Yeah. She's cool. you tell it to some people in the industry and they'd be like come on man let's not be disrespectful two trained killers. and so are you. Really? Yeah. A small dick that doesn't even work.

57:14 They showed the HBO special, the 24-7 with Pacquiao and Marquez. Mexico City is, really? I might be out of line, though. Well, in some areas, yeah. are ten times worse than our have-nots. In Mexico, that must be staggering. he is the golden boy to them because he represents them every fucking day. He's a badass motherfucker. He wouldn't punch What a war that was.

1:00:50 Richard Steele waves it off, and he calls the fight. and then eventually overcame him in the very last seconds of the fight. Or whatever it was. like an all-time epic battle, and then essentially never reaches that performance level again. especially in the UFC, and sort of look at this And the ones that don't, those are the ones that It is, but it's important for people too.

1:03:20 And once you've taken some shots before and you understand, And instead of thinking with this crazy confidence that you're on top. Because I hadn't been beaten up. Yeah, I just thought I was tough. Peed on you? And we said something, and we were joking around. But it was enough that you weren't cool with it. I was like, that was ridiculous. I couldn't get him off me.

1:05:34 That's so funny because I had practiced. I'll fuck you up. Every one of our kids, A roller skating gang. And EPU and Cavemen fought all the time. That you're in for some dangerous shit I think from Robinson After school club At my school And everyone okay i was in a uh after school club at my with anybody ours had like not But it just happens that the one guy, the head of

1:08:37 the whole twt together we thought posse like it's all black dudes and one white caveman and i stick to talk my way out of it but while he was hitting you you were trying to talk to him i was like man and i literally my hand landed in this high top fade it went into his Two squad cars. That guy, when I stuck my head in, he was unconscious. That kind of damage when a guy is out and a guy gets beat up while he's out,

1:11:11 he did other things. I don't know why they beat his Oh, Dodger Stadium is sketchy. It's a classic example of people not caring about terrible neighborhoods. I judge him based on their age. Yeah, it's always going to be that, man. watch the degenerate gamblers at the horse track. to get up and give you a fucking ass kicking. I mean, it happens. Like a stranger or somebody you paid to do that?

1:13:34 So yeah. And even when someone does, I'm like, listen like listen man it's just an opinion you know you don't have to get people get came out of one guy talking out of his fucking ass, Those are frustrating conversations, man. We had fights. What's yours? Call us now at Are they like circling her asshole, like crop circles? Where the areola is. That's not like a, you know what I mean?

1:16:38 Yeah, that was a song that I, Is that a distorted picture? Yeah, well, when he's not wearing girls' clothes. no but he seems like a guy and got fucking like keep going guys let's keep going no he drank it well he him, put it back in his mouth. That wasn't a fucking shot. All right, let's keep going, guys. that wasn't a shot. Wait, so did I ever tell you

1:18:28 I don't know why I'm saying that. Never mind. at Formosa Cafe. Burton was a comic, Hide in the way back. I said, hop in, we're ready. And he goes, because he's not fucking funny, and I don't have the heart to tell him. He should, like, and he starts fucking tearing Burton apart. The whole rest of the ride to Vegas, they just spoke, like spoke in the backseat, just talked, hashed it out,

1:20:51 Yeah. For no reason. There are guys who get up there and they're annoying. Well, the follow is not the real issue. can have like your whole opening bit about farming like how about i have a different bit about farming on what you're about to talk about he's trying to make your act less effective on purpose fucking They have that big April Fool's, April Foolishness show on April Fool's Day or April Fool's Day weekend, whatever it is.

1:23:30 hang out with. It's way more fun. It's one-on-one. talk about this maybe They don't want to stop doing the bit because the bit works. stomach laughing yeah the brilliance of it all but in reality he shouldn't be saying it wanted to he could murder that crowd in a heartbeat for him it was about the art and find the right shameless the one that defined the definitive hour of louis ck where you went okay he's my

1:26:59 I'm sure that mattered. His style was goofy, absurd. It was like goofy stuff. Top ten humor. like a poll, I don't know why I think that. old diner style? I need two monkeys riding sidecar. I'm going to need two eggs Yeah, that's the fear. Mitzi Shore used to yell at them. nothing wrong with it not not saying there's anything wrong with it but what what i'm saying

1:29:30 It's just you doing stand-up, and, you know, there's no guitar to pull out. And so Mitzi, the kid's on stage doing this. Oh, really? it's really weird because every time you meet him, at the comedy store than Pauly. Today's Cyber Sale Monday. O-N-N-I-T. but any time you spend a dollar, I get six cents, and it goes towards this studio that Maybe they haven't figured it all out.

1:32:11 That was like being at Woodstock, but if it was all rappers, I guess. This studio is starting to become really fucking badass. What we do is we do a podcast while everyone is going up on stage. Maybe this week. Most likely Wednesday. Just advertise it Yeah, Heffron's brilliant. It was a good time doesn't want to and how it breaks his heart you know it's powerful fucking shit i love when he

1:34:53 Oh, I want to tell him the story. I would fucking die. i want to do the i want to do that podcast that you do here absolutely please do it so are you Fucking great, man. I got things to do, dog. He cracks me up, man. Huge UFC fan. wild stories you told me your fucking drinking story with johnny knoxville and like just all Like, droves. and then inevitably they're like,

1:37:42 Yeah, I don't know what I was fucking talking about. I was standing on the phone with you last night. in machine shirts, Yeah. I swear to God. as fuck for free for hours. You're you. Get on stage, and I stand on stage. fucking well me well it's free and it's everywhere and it'll always be free yeah my ads are annoying I let him smoke. Tell him to do the podcast while he's in town this week,

1:40:14 Oh, yeah. All his tweets go to his Facebook page. Is this the one Colin Quinn tweeted about? And doing a lot of bad drugs. he uses the words he chooses and uh he was doing a lot of bad drugs like that's that's a goddamn It was really fun. think we've ever met and he goes well he was at gotham the other night and he sat with a guy for molested half of our

1:42:37 and it was like a joke between us and elementary school Wow, that's crazy. No, that wasn't his kind. It was too fat. There's one point in time where I'm like, That's a big test, though. Here's the thing that there are guys in unhealthy relationships right now doing destructive shit to try to push the girl away. And he's like, you have the power to change that today.

1:45:03 You know what a good move to do is also? How am I going to fucking? it's very important in the isolation tank you have to make sure Because float lab is in Venice. I got an idea. Cheers. They're at my house, though, diligently waiting for me to pick them up. and you're taking antidepressants already, it could be a problem. it's like getting two antidepressants.

1:47:45 Oh, is that the beer? I got friends in London. I think Stella is nice Give me one of them bitches Pussies Nice, Brian. Thank you. Trying to help you, Bert. Stella, a trois. Like Artie Fuqua. I'm a Heineken guy. Just drink Budweiser on stage. I mean, you've seen the commercials. Is that Brock Lesnar? He shouldn't have said that, but he just fucked up.

1:50:33 Dude, UFC was the HIV of sports for a while. and Killian's? And they sent cases of Jameson to your Danny Bevins and you they sent cases to drink it all to mention I got no problem with that because Jameson is pretty goddamn good. Are you gonna build a house in Ireland now? You can't build you can't build on it. Can't build on it Brian, you've got to look this up.

1:52:29 Yeah. I'll fight you any time before Christmas. Because I tweeted it a while ago. The most disturbing one? snorting coke, and he wants a little drink. and it's all it's if you if you type in brian if you type in pikey gets what he deserves park or the name. Tell me when you're ready. Okay. Hello, Sammy. Stop, stop, stop. I'm sorry. I'll fight you anytime between

1:55:39 me, you dirty, squeaky, innocent fool, Do you want me to slow it down a little? You look like a down syndrome. Oh, here are the shirts off. and his sons, bring them back down and fucking fight. this swell you, he did give you brain damage, because the swellness never left your head. I fucking love it! two eyes, and you're going to be shying in the book for two weeks as well.

1:57:54 Okay, listen. Let's see how good they can get. What's his name? a strange move because especially i guess it's a i don't give a fuck move it's like that white He knows he's fat. Bagpipes and buttholes. It's like buttholes put the bagpipes He was saying Simon this whole time. God, that's what's great about the internet i would ask you So it's kind of a trick.

2:00:37 they'll control the monetary system of the world. Yeah, but if you stop paying for it, then they just, what, delete the last year of your Gmail? and a fourth Gmail, and a fifth Gmail for free. Will you stop with this? I know 100% you would. on a sling like you used to. We have a higher primate fanny pack to eventually release. You carry too much shit. Yeah, that's like a guy on the field that needs more like a survival camp gear. It's good for cameras. Yeah, yeah. It's tough. You carry too much shit.

2:02:15 Yeah. you know what it looks like on Sundays I'm fucking They haven't decided yet. Brian's got a sexy fanny pack. So you could film us going through the airport. You're not allowed to film that, though, right at that, Brian. You know, that's a good move for the airport, dude. So you could film us going through the airport. do they allow you to film?

2:03:42 Like, you just walk around It's much easier to travel there. coming out of London was a cakewalk. that I didn't know what was in what pocket. And I was like, fuck it. Well, they can't prove it. Oh, man. all right, we'll let you away with 10 grand, No, they're letting us buy land in Cuba. I wouldn't buy land anywhere that I wouldn't want to live. Ready to make your own hotel out there and have the mob come down and run everything

2:06:07 When you think about what those motherfuckers were into back then, Oh, my God. I don't know Cuba's history enough to know who's... Really? Yeah, yeah. there's a certain level He just did 12 shots. Who the fuck is going to hire a guy that took a shit on a pizza box to win an election? And Brian and they started talking on the speakerphone. Who's on the podcast today?

2:08:29 So much on the podcast Goes the machine Speaker fun is weird though like that, right though? Oh, did I? That he's a dirty, no good bastard? Yeah, it does. Not that I'm doing that, but I have a friend who's thinking about doing i think it's awesome you just what do you do you love him I'm high school strong. 10 times. Push ups. I want to look, Instead of saying,

2:10:53 I see what you're saying. It's the government. It's corn syrup. It's the government. And no time in history have people been fatter. Everyone's like, he must have a lot of money. antidepressants and he eats terrible his fucking diet's awful i think it's lack of women i think I'm more rushing around. wow, that's nice. We all sat at the table. you all have good food

2:12:53 I'd be in great shape. I ate in restaurants for the most part i just went somewhere to eat you know why would i cook i don't have time for The only bad parts of being single are that you're lonely and you're single. rollercoaster ride the store open? them and know how the brain is you suffer a lot of fucking fools when you're single oh my goodness And she was like, it was just chaos.

2:15:58 Like that could be a hilarious statement You want to have someone that you can spend time with. Cheated, fucking yelled. Fucking shit's got to go. it's to create this amazing product because a diamond doesn't get made unless you have a I think I'm going to get some sleep. The best part about Johnny Knoxville is I ran into him at California Chicken Cafe one day.

2:18:19 And he looks at me real quick and he goes, Burt Kreischer. first of all he's cool as fuck but second of all his fucking experiences dude he was on a tree and How long ago was this? It's ridiculous. Mark Cronin. He did produce the X show on FX. How much money do you think Because I heard that like of views. Something like boy, that's probably... Why not?

2:21:05 How many hits did you get on the Monsio one? There's guys like our friend from the message board, anything to produce something. I watched the first four episodes of Pan Am on it, and it's like, cool definition. I watched the first four episodes and I watched it on YouTube. I'm like, HBO Go. Comedy Specials that is one of the greatest but go on the elliptical

2:23:23 of the computer every morning in my wife's little office inside he's too busy Karaoke bars are a great place to start. And stream it live, right? Sure. You can stream it. Absolutely. It's a beautiful fit. And you can do it just like we're doing it microphone. Just start ranting. And stream it live, right? Good. I'm buying a Zoom. That's exactly what I was going to say.

2:24:44 I don't... There's a lot of people And you can bring a little joy. I'm getting on this shit. It's like, why would it hurt? Yeah. It's the easiest way to do it. Daddy's a death squad. You guys call yourselves the death squad? I was there. Yeah, i was there yeah brian then you started calling each other broham as a joke and then all of a sudden you start calling

2:27:40 It's a group of nice people People fear us. Just take one. Sound advice. and everyone gets ecstasy. everybody move to the back of the bus. then the last minute i went i'm not gonna take it i don't want to take ecstasy tonight i think i'm I'm fine. There you go. Today I got my BMW. perhaps okay guys it's tom seguraura. All right, put him on. Put it on speakerphone.

2:31:09 Bert Cresci's got a problem with that guy We're live right now. All right. His hair connects from his underarms to his chest. like the reason Tell that story, please. for the USO, for the military in Pearl Harbor. His brother Clayton has got the best giggle in the world. and they're having a good time, and they want us all to hang out. And Tom's like, yeah, I know. And then the guy comes up and he's like all right the simulation's starting in 30 seconds if

2:33:50 Yeah. Or Clayton because they're both very brown. Like that's his opening joke, right? why is this guy here? I mean, look, I'm also categorizing. Yeah, it was. I don't have a problem with brown people. Whoa. You used to do two shows. I think they said they canceled it because Tom and I were dirty, but we weren't really dirty. But no one cursed. at a comedy show.

2:36:39 that he had on his blog He wanted them to be laughing. tommy let me sharpen me shape that for you. that looks like a fucking mustache on your mom's house this week. So you want to talk No, no, no, no, no. Joe! He started telling it that it happened to me. clubs and right yeah which there's a lot of those there's a lot of like yeah i got a great auto and

2:40:08 from the Tracy Morgan story Jay tells on his special for his special and i was like it's absolute order it's there's a an art to telling a story and that's what you're really good at you're connecting the dots. Man walks about a long ass time ago on a podcast and it was like one of the biggest craziest things that's it's not simply a bunch of facts just put together in a timeline you told it to him in an entertaining

2:43:09 or not or act like like like exactly how we acted like before we just don't fucking talk to the guy You're in a bad relationship. Yeah. Sandusky says yes. The Ustream is a thing that... Tom and I had a conversation about it last night. That I had a real fucking thing. is I didn't want fucking Tracy You know, I think Tracy, I told the story to a bunch of comics in Cincinnati with Tony Woods.

2:45:47 And so I said to Tony, I go, I'm going to tell the story again. and gave a little bit of a monologue, like Alan Thicke or something. It was a great podcast. I'm glad we ended on that yeah Yeah, so it's completely, I think that's going to do more damage to him It's a great bit, man. He could do that with anybody, though, man. Are you guys backtracking?

2:48:14 It's not. You know, people forgive you for the truth. You want to put out this impression, and you want me to respond to it in a positive way to fill up your fucking insecurities okay and that's not what it's Crush me. entire credentials as I remember when I was a young comic in New York saying I had a story that was this, it It has ego. I fucked Santa Claus in the ass.

2:51:22 That didn't really happen. As long as you're only doing it for a joke. Holla at your boy and follow him online at Bert, Bert, B-E-R-T-K-R-E-I-S-C-H-E-R. Holla at your boy and follow him online at BertBertBert. It's very nice. the link for the fleshlight enter in the code name rogan you will get 15 off the number one I want to do that live show. Holla from MTV.

2:53:09 I love you, bitches. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.