Joe Rogan Experience #347 — Joey Diaz Transcript

Transcript

0:00 The Joe Rogan Experience. fucking half an hour ago we don't need to play that goddamn song yeah the thing about uh mountain and be like, damn. We're talking about this. the population under control, but They find mountain lions and they tree them, and then the hunter shoots them. dogs to find them because they're too fast. They're just going to, they're going to hear you

2:55 Because if you go, you will get eaten by crocodiles. I just don't find that acceptable. being like they're part of nature now that's a monster that's godzilla mountain lions that's and only kill things with their face. They don't give a fuck. right off Lee Hill Road I asked him where he was from most likely right it was on my father-in-law's property and he was I was like what the fuck we had to pull over Like a python or something? I almost fucking died. Someone's pet that they let out? I don't know. Most likely, right?

5:16 That's it. Come on, feed my snake a rabbit. i saw a homeless person walking down the street with a snake around his neck like a big one too But they might just decide to fucking bite you. That's a monster. I can't go to somebody's house and see him give like a white fucking mouse to this thing, But man, that's fucking creeped out for me. Especially like a parakeet or something on your shoulder.

8:04 That comes into an eagle's nest to try to get the hawk's, the eagle's babies. Look at this. Wow. But what a creepy world. Okay, the Hawk. and then this thing coming behind it, I went to the Museum of Natural History. The dinosaurs alone, the gigantic skeletons they have, it's an incredible place. see an eagle that crazy cunty monster that represents our country like what a perfect

10:46 I'm going to kill that fucking eagle. But they've tried to pick up kids and shit. You're talking about something you're scared of chickens. Margolizzano in the East Coast. Then they get exotic. But this is the place where you could stick your hand in, and the guy would take the chicken out and break its neck. Those Italians, that's what you're going to eat.

12:21 And Colorado is known for that shit. I never went there, but I knew the guy that had the dogs that would whip the fucking dogs and shit over there. It's a stem. I was looking at that eagle. How funny is I know. Dude, that is a creepy, creepy animal. Yeah, guys who have trained eagles. kill wolves. I guess golden eagles And the dude is all, like, done up in, like, tribal, traditional, like, animal skin clothes.

15:07 I mean, you want to talk about, that's like, the wolf is like almost the top of the food chain. think but the i think the birds are stronger than you think they they're they're they're really What kind of animal was that? grab a salmon? Do you think you could hold onto a a salmon there's no fucking way how about grab it and then fly off with it do you know how

17:13 What is he, Attorney General or something like that? I mean, we knew he was nuts, but what the fuck is this? What do you think, Wolverine versus wolf, who would win? They look badass, man. like fierce, thick guy. It's not really, it doesn't work for like that character. It was one of the most ruthless superheroes ever Like she's never soared before

20:03 That's a crazy person. going to Cuba and it Oh, that's crazy. And I ain't got nothing but love for her. Oh, one good thing, the post office ain't gonna I get my copy of my fucking Time Street, whatever the fuck it is, magazine. Why do you need – I mean the office as as it exists is great. I mean, obviously in the post office, it works great, but it doesn't work great in the DMV,

23:52 to the post office like back in the day well because it doesn't happen anymore like the That's a thankless job, man. So the post office is completely a government gig, right? It was like a real neighborhood postman. So I owned him. Good guy. Yeah, it's probably like lightening the load a little bit. So, if a mailman dumps Circulus, they go to prison.

26:16 Like, I knew a fucking hippie in Boulder. Oh, no. terrible, but he had to do it. It's part of his job. Two years in time. He did federal time. He would tell me how the whole place was. the Act of 66 that we all buy into. They called him in and played the tape. Think about what the shit they find. you can make it happen. Get into a beef with your mailman

28:55 How about don't say that? and they laughed. So now his phobia, he hated dogs, but he needed the job as a mailman. Boulder's a fucking crazy place like that when you, you don't know who you're messing with. They don't care. I mean, not only that, it was like a big area. I mean, everybody's an animal lover. It's not even real. And finally last night he went crazy on the mirrors and just barked his first time.

32:09 I found something the other day and it completely opened up like a memory that I completely forgot about when I was younger. At the end of the month, your mother will almost How stupid is that? And she was a virgin. It was when I lived with my mom. But she acted like she was in high school the whole time. I was 17. I was a hooker at 17 that I said I went to high school, and she said she went to this other high school that was like 20 minutes away. Is it possible that she just did a lot of meth?

35:09 Did you spend the money? Like, if you could go back in time and just watch how she did it in the age of no internet, We'd make believe we were on the payphone at the bottom of the stairs at the Comedy Store and watch the chicks coming in and out of the bathroom. Yeah, they took it down, and they also took the one down at the improv that used to be outside of it.

36:46 That's really creepy. I don't do it. We've all done creepy things, but that's one of the creepy things I don't fucking like. or a window to look in on girls while they shit. there's an open window right here. should have to worry about who could Yeah, these edibles It's like a soochie roll. Because they're gonna double this. This is Yeah. Because they're going to double this.

38:58 That is fucking crazy. Oh, what, the comedy store you're saying? And it was so loosely regulated, you know? That's why I always try to contribute to that place as much as I could. It's an old sound system. Keep it up. Well, what I know is that Joe Rogan The fucking thing almost blew up. She's very unhealthy, but I love that woman. Motherfucker must be leaking like a motherfucker

42:08 We were talking about that the other day. I swear to God, you need to go to a doctor. I never saw that. In the belly room, right? That came from Kinnison's gun My memory's done Yeah. group who don't Is someone willing to gamble that much money today, They just adjust. All those guys have something that's losing dough. That's not real. I drive by it, and I feel guilty.

45:22 You started coming around 97? The only person there is one person. Well, I can say a fucking thing. We work all of them. And then there's the fucking Ice House, which is the greatest club in the history of the world. last night on the patio, as an example, you guys would have been like, oh my God, there's Oh, no. I saw Carlin there, dude. I don't want to be that guy, bro.

47:18 That guy is, at the Ice House. It's going to implode. That's my take on him. brilliant the one joke was the one my boy said on the Oscars when he said that right now Since you're out in the cold. Yeah, I don't want to even say the joke. The Ice House. Yeah. Oh, Wednesday, too. Right. It's like he's easy to banter with back and forth. excuse me, at the comedy store

50:06 I think it's that way with anybody. But I really like a long set. And he fucking devastated for 50 minutes. There's just like a balance there, I love it. And had a fucking triple set, And it's a sandwich bar. Fuck it. Oh, we had a four. Like, local guys put it together and shit. I'll stay home with the wife. And it was good to see our brother. And I go, Ari, I don't care if it goes on ComedyCentral.com.

52:48 Just to see that he put this together. And it's really weird to see a guy that really paid his dues. was like um what was it what year was it 95 was it that early yeah you started taking no 2005 i'm his development from then on, to being a fucking legit headline that I would go see. It's crazy to watch it happen to you too, man. I don't want to write material that's bad for me.

55:03 It's been a real pleasure lately. walking in sitting down and going i'm right here yeah finish my sandwich and next thing you know I know where it's coming from on you, Then they hear that voice on Twitter when they read your tweets. that I think are pretty obvious jokes. I hope you choke to death on vegan pizza hates feminists or he's a chauvinist or something like that.

57:32 There was some lady that was saying nasty shit about kids, like didn't like kids. I mean, yes. women and I should have probably said hate instead of not like, That's not what I'm saying. You silly fucks. It was just like over and over again, this nonsense about, you know, this is, this contributes an original statement. I think that's completely ridiculous.

1:00:44 Is that his name? I didn't get to meet that guy. Joe Rogan is a Satanist. has like some kind of uh satanic snake on it or something. What? That's what they're saying. Like, you're choosing to get upset about some really ridiculous shit. He sells this. You know what I'm saying? I judge people by their music collection. there's certain yeah it's true you open that tells me everything if you're a fucking mook

1:03:42 Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Have you listened to Tom Waits But the only reason The fucking thing with the mind genie. Of course. That's good singing. band, I will pistol whip you. It fucking, it's too made up, Uncle Joey. I was too quiet over here. They're vegans. I don't think you're allowed to do that. He's alive. Everybody else is dead. Paul McCartney won this war. He's a revolution. No, no, no. Paul McCartney's a bad motherfucker. Why? He's alive.

1:06:14 Dead. He didn't know. He out-won everybody. You want to just strangle Mick Jagger. Did you know that? Uh-huh. It's not that bad. I don't know. He's got a book that somebody wrote about him, and they interview somebody. No. Because he broke me. This guy's shooting everything. It's called One More Shot, I think. Listen, Will Chamberlain said he fucked over 100 women or whatever, 1,000 women.

1:09:10 That's whack. The fucking Stones. Not that album. Then it kept going. But after that, Born in the USA with the t-shirt, him jumping up and down. He puts on a four-hour show. Have you seen him lately with that fucked up haircut? It's over. He gets on my last fucking nerve. Wanted Dead or Alive. Because he felt really brokenhearted over him and this chick breaking up.

1:12:08 I'm on fire. They would crucify you. They would go after you. and she didn't even know it. I would ask a chick if she wanted to eat a roofie. Oh, that's hilarious. Not sheet rod, sheet metal. Just here, go ahead, do with these what you will. I'll run you through the fucking walls like the Egyptians. I mean, you know, I can't believe you do it. After a while, when you know that a certain amount of violent crime takes place,

1:14:50 Either way, the important thing is that, like, Can you believe that? or like your aunts in the room or some older woman since i was a kid they did a kotex commercial i They think it's cute. That bothers me? All right? You know what, man? Is that a zombie? I've never had a period problem. Like that was my first booty call ever. You know what I'm saying?

1:17:53 I never got funeral pussy, but it exists, you know? Groupies, yeah. I take my pants off. And I just sat there frozen. To this day, I don't even look on Facebook to see if she'll, because I might kill her. To this day, I think about that motherfucker. that chick says she got her period. I wouldn't answer her calls those five nights dog she's never figured out

1:19:59 fuck it I like it. I know Redman. An hour ago, whatever it is. Right, so it was a Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday open mic. But the point of the story is one Sunday at that place, That was the first time I was involved in one of those dark light And I'm banging this like a soldier. It smelled funky. You know. That's how fucking clean I am. No, no, no.

1:22:25 You like it, Joe? I think it feels better. It does. I got to spell it out for you. You know, whatever. that after you fuck her, she always wants to eating out a girl and she is on It's just a bloodbath. Think about that. Now that I talk about it. He was going to write the fucking book. an example of you it's almost like they have to you know because there's a lot of people out there

1:26:16 I'll start talking shit. But then next thing you know, he bought into some guy's idea and didn't pay taxes willfully. But he still willfully avoided paying taxes. citizens. And when you get out, you're still going to have to pay us. There's an actual victim, and they don't get locked in a cage for three years. The government or your fucking constitution, throw that shit out the fucking window.

1:29:09 and then from now on, everybody has to operate like on 100%, no bullshit. I mean, what do they need? How much longer can people do what they're doing? the amazon and the congo and all these different spots while that happens and we know about it And because we know it, we always feel out of whack. Does that make sense or am I too stoned? I'm going to tell you something that petrifies me more than anything.

1:32:51 That doesn't show you how nutty our government is. because he gave them information on Gotti. I want this guy He was the first one to rap. What he did to the government lying. And then that fucking idiot went Sammy never copped to that cop. prison. And he got to take his money. Didn't he like try to go under got nailed he looked scary he was five five two something he was a human bulldog he was you know

1:35:55 Arabs in New York and try to flip they would be able to make a fake bomb, get it to you. He didn't know he was dealing with the FBI. I'm an important part, What do I do? I'll be back. That's so he planned ahead. He was, gasoline, gasoline. I'll be back. So he planned ahead? That John Ashcroft song we played earlier. It's that Subway sandwich right there.

1:38:01 Nashville's a badass town. such bad shit, they don't even give you a full foot. Right, so the six inch is more like what? You can't say that on a podcast. They got the health department on their way right now hovering over the window looking in. I can't even dream of that shit look at the fucking poor lady's pussy about any open institution, And at the comedy store, you're going to have both of that too.

1:40:27 You always get that, right? Chuck Berry, I believe, got in trouble for doing that. Because you're into all that shit, you filthy cocksucker. Yes, he is. And he's like, I want to send you something. And what you do is you put it on your keychain, And he sends me two of them. He was convicted, fined $5,000, and sentenced to five years in prison. His appeal that the judge's comments and the attitude were racist and prejudiced by the jury against him was upheld,

1:42:50 Barry pleaded guilty this guy's done enough time. but I got a job for you You know, that was a totally different time in the world, too. He did all this. Oh, Jerry Lee Lewis. Wasn't it? Look at his eyes. So this guy fucked this cunt and killed this woman. Yeah, what are you doing? And Chuck Berry played piano, too, right? Didn't? I think he did, and I think he said, like, follow that motherfucker.

1:44:54 He was crazy, man. Goodness gracious. Yeah. yeah that guy was nuts yeah you had a fight you got in a fistfight with Chuck Barry yeah Jerry Lee Jerry Lee Lewis Chuck Berry feud yeah these were I mean think about these type of people I mean these are wild motherfuckers just Jerry This is a sad time. Fuck you, brother. You're still not seeing your family.

1:46:26 And you see these idiots of these guys. a fucking life. Didn't talk to people for 30 fucking years until the police finally That's where Bush had his compound out there. Charles Bronson's death hunt. Boston's cold. wall. He even has a clock that he's No, he lit fires and shit. And then you look at him and you go, who is this crazy fuck? The guy walks into Home Depot yesterday

1:49:36 screaming, Stop and think about that for a moment. It's just... That's it. They lost their mortgage. It's tough for people. Everything will change. You know, when you read about the slave And the people in Siberia, they don't even know that they're not in North Korea. They sentenced some people to jail because they didn't cry got sentenced to six months in jail they sentenced some people to jail

1:52:47 get to that sort of total dictatorial position like even the guy uh who there was the overthrowing They're making them work. things happen, not just like the people that are in charge and then they're slaves. and kick ass and take names and keep the economy energized. Could you imagine, man, you're living in a horror movie? I mean, they have nuclear power.

1:55:03 well, you can't just walk in carrying guns. impressive is that let me tell you something just walk in Like shitty roll of the dice. believe it i don't go over that's why i said to you the tunnels and bridges and getting into the In 94, I was doing comedy, and I went back. My show would be at nine at the New York Comedy Club. No, no, no, no. But I'm out of there.

1:57:34 even than the mountains. something beautiful like this sculpture that this gentleman sent me it's the buddha from my tattoo I like that. Their view is the greatest view in the world. just live like John Lennon. If you don't live in New York, you don't live like John Lennon. You know, I mean, that's... but, God, so beautiful. This is like one of the coolest shows you could ever see.

1:59:59 They already got that up. But everybody was so friendly. You know, like this is like this new change of the way people are behaving in New York. We met a lot of nice folks. Yeah, yeah, look it up. Diana Rigg. Ko He was in between Roger Moore, I guess. Really? Yeah, look it up. Diana That guy's fucking badass. He's badass. David Niven was the first one.

2:02:15 And then there's David Niven. And then there's another guy, Christopher Cazenove? But do you remember Timothy Dalton and Pierce Brosnan? I thought Pierce Brosnan would probably be good, but no. I think he's the best one of all time. This dude posted on this message board that I go to. Roger Moore. That's right. The Saint. Yeah. The Mentalist. Oh, my God.

2:04:47 It takes a fucking thief. And my head blows up, bro. And then Bruce, what's his name? The guy's name, remember in the 70s, that commercial? And the guy was Robert Conrad and his buddy, Ross Martin, who never got any credit, man. The Wild Wild West. Then Channel 11 shows with the Honeymooners, The Yacht Couple, Sanford and Son, yeah, Benny Hill, Joey, you're a fucking animal.

2:06:29 their tit on television. Everybody at school I don't think they And you lost your mind. Awesome. from Good Times. oh, thank you, What was her name? Shirley That was the one with Rerun on it Prince songs are still fucking badass. You motherfuckers. Boom, boom, boom, boom. Oh, that thing he was doing in Vegas where it was like you would pay 500, Kid Rock to you might be some fucking redneck, okay,

2:09:24 Well, I love, I'm a big fucking Lenny Bruce guy and, you know, Jackie Gleason. They're riding around with a wig on or some shit. Oh, yeah, I believe it. I thought so, you know. Teddy Bergeron, yeah. Fucking what a great town. Yeah. You're driving through the dark areas of Tennessee. wolves. outside in the fucking Coyotes? the food this is what i'm saying so now that you know they're killing something else now

2:12:36 I didn't want to bother nobody. you're going so it's going to be But those you might not ever run into in Boulder. I really do. I still have it. But I don't get it all the time. to make this lady push a little bit. There's people that are hipper. until I was on stage. And it's cute. times this is the best strategy that my attorney in Jersey would do. He would always tell the cop,

2:16:32 right there. But the nicest people in the world, the whole fucking thing a lot of cool people too look at all the cool people that we know that all live here look at one of those weird lost more of this bullshit Okay? Do you really want to raise a child here? I don't. They gravitate towards it. And then we went to an audition, and we saw Ben Affleck.

2:19:42 I'll tell you later. No, no, no. I'm just making a point. I just read something the other night that was – I watched something the other day or read it. No, no, no. But then it turned out that in that purse were drugs. And everybody was like, that ain't our fucking purse no more. Every time I come on this fucking show Big guy I don't know why they killed it.

2:22:16 He's a killer. too overwhelming season 1 I watched the episode Everybody else was subpar. weekend for the um the upfronts for sci-fi for this new show that i'm doing that i can now talk tremendous. Battlestar galactica That shit's drilled into his body? Yeah, he upgraded his body. Except no aliens. I'm going to like hoping there's an Sacramento next month, 5-3, 5-4, May 3rd and 4th.

2:26:33 And I'll be there. He got a dog that got really, really sick. That's why there's a beautiful situation. Two shows, 8 and 10 o'clock. But make sure if you're West Palm Jews, come on down. I had something booked already. Sold out. That's a good one. There's already a government. Beautiful. Jail Sonnen. a second, let's thank our sponsors. stamps.com. It is an excellent service.

2:29:41 Rabbit Experience, ladies and gentlemen. You get a Post office works awesome. So we won't be back until Monday. the UFC and I'm looking for rolling papers, edibles, bazookas, my internet sucks. Oh, shit. Big country and Czech Congo? and just really developed some striking to go along with his jiu-jitsu, God damn, son. Yeah, powerful. Sarah McMahon Ronda Rousey. They're going to compete against

2:33:21 Yes. Thank you. Thank you to everybody. I love all you motherfuckers. Be a Leonard Skinner fan. I love both of you. See you in Miami, bitches.