Joe Rogan Experience #885 — Tom Segura Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Oh shit Tommy puns were live yo dawg what's up brother what's up man we Have you done any variations to DJ Dadmouth now? God damn it, it folks i'm sorry we've got to let as many people know about you to sell tickets. Yeah, it's real low. If I had to guess, mostly, yeah. What about retired people? It's a totally different art form, folks. No, there's some are good.

2:38 He goes It's the best one. You might want to put taxes come on don't go to break this is Tracy, one of your favorite characters. What characters do you do? I love you too. On YouTube? Because he's sitting like that. But like the reference to almost like it was like an inside Bulls reference. Holla! Were they telling him? Do those guys have earpieces?

6:28 distracting things. But when you pop it in, them about a specific replay yeah like show me that again can you show me that for an overhead Do they ever feed you something where you like, it totally blows your mind? And then you go, oh, shit. I was thinking, too, I was watching. he had as good a time as you did. Oh, yeah. It takes too many days to recover from them. It's killer. It kills you.

9:20 but now I watch it Basketball live will change your perspective. And there's 10 people in not that much space. and everything, his passing skills are absurd. There's so much improvisation. fanatic you got to watch it with ian edwards oh he's fucking really hardcore he's hardcore that little dude's name messy messy yeah lionel yeah yeah there he is you gotta que it up. Jamie's a wizard. Look at him. He went to me. This dude's like 25 or 26, you know?

12:29 I'll watch that dude throw darts for hours. That guy, he moves like a wizard it's like what At least these guys they're getting humiliated, but nobody's getting hurt. Oh, look at that wizardry. How dare they. That team was wearing stripes. Oh, my God. No, but there's guys. They're never the same again. You can't be on some of them. Do they die? No, but there's

14:19 a healthier, Oh, yeah. Sorry. He's an older guy, and he's definitely in shape. Yeah. these, like, unless you've been around like a pro NFL player, you see him walk through a crowd of people and you go, Oh man, I just met JJ Watt. I just met him like a month ago. And I was like, He's a giant, giant, enormous man. and when people would say that you go that's a fucking humongous guy i mean i'm like eight nine

17:01 Because there's guys that are 330, 340 playing that position and athletic guys too. There was this guy who played but he wasn't really great, but he was 6'8", 400. That is insane. I stood in the middle Like, one tenth of super athletes could probably do, right? Some guys do that with weights in their hands too. Yeah. What's he like, 5'9"? He fought Lyoto Machida. He fought Lyoto Machida, and Lyoto Machida was, you know, clearly 200-plus pounds.

19:49 I bet he probably walks around like 160 or something like that. No, no, he lost the Lyoto Machida. He left the UFC and he fought a couple fights at other organizations. he was big back then That's a really nutty thing that fighters do when you try to win And Kyle Uno is a really good fighter. Yeah. just jacked. He was like that when he came in to fight?

22:34 Really? You know, like if you have some particular talent physically, Some people are super flexible, like BJ. He has incredible dexterity and flexibility with his legs. like with everybody, BJ's still fighting. Yeah. yeah it's just when you like nothing in and of itself is as exciting as a fight. because we've said for so long it's as real as it gets yeah Yeah, but it is just Yeah You know what is it about a phrase when you say a phrase too long? They just stop meaning anything

26:11 He used to say, you got to stop and smell the roses sometimes to talk about life. Are you going to emcee it? Great Western Forum? Actually, I think we'll do it. That's a joke. I'll do it if we can get a couple of those ring girls it doesn't matter, you're a guy All-time great mixed martial artist. Yeah, but she's like- Because I mean, somebody to go after that,

29:11 But I mean, she's got muscles, man. But those fucking things are launching chicks through the air. You fucking fat ass. Do you? you can be in denial you know i think a lot of people are in denial about a lot of things well They didn't do anything to you. I've been up and down my whole life. It's another version of that. I'm saying like, I've gotten so much that has nothing to do with fat that somebody throws

31:34 Yeah. Why did you disappoint this fella? He was going out with some chick. Met with Kanye West, And, I think she's a troll. But maybe she just felt like shitting on him too who knows maybe she just felt like How does that work? It's absolutely... So you're not allowed to comment on that because it's black beef, she's saying. Yeah Aikido is obviously at the top.

35:23 Now everybody knows. They all know about MMA. They know how to throw a kick or two right you know and if they got like a really good coach To really set up and knock somebody. You can get away with having a slower striking style. you. He would just, he just basically, if this was a thousand years ago, it would be that At the end of the day, like, you meet a guy like Brock Lesnar, lesnar you go oh that's why there's a heavyweight division right that's a

38:15 They'll say that there's only so big a person can ever get and be so fast without help. they're going to give you some pretty high-level It's so easy to get. Yeah. It's not like they don't know about them and it's not like they don't know they help. Yeah, you don't want to be shredded. Like if someone's speaking to me in another language, like, yeah, I don't know what you're saying.

40:05 Yeah. And they'll fight, he fought that guy. You can't keep up. These guys knew each other real well and they actually liked each other a lot, but they fucking went at it. It was when Anderson was just a Jedi knight. Or when he got knocked out? If I didn't go to that one, I definitely saw, I've seen both of those guys fight at fights. But you know what?

42:11 So he throws a punch, misses, and then throws a back fist, which makes Anderson have to go that way. Beautiful timing. and Anderson got out of it. Isn't that fight too we're at the after the fight where You know what fight I was at? It was brutal. Yeah. Wow. so maybe it'll start getting annoying too. how well you handle pressure. Like when he fought Aldo for the title, he didn't even look remotely nervous.

46:03 i don't know i've said that before about other people. solid grappler sure came very close to beating anderson silva in their first fight so he's a Nope. He's not loading up at all. And he knows how to just slide back and blAM! Drops that left hand in on him. I did watch him. Well, not before he was a professional. Probably. And he's got a crazy style.

49:04 So it was almost four years ago. So it would be a real problem as far as weight cutting. small what wait did he begin his career at Floyd Bay with her so I mean I'm a He made him come down to like 154 or something like that? He's definitely bigger. Or 154? Ooh, he's good. Yeah. just quick and he's definitely quick he's very quick quick. But what Floyd has over almost anyone else,

52:19 who's an all-time fucking exciting guy to watch it was Alvarez or somebody, and And then they cut out. And that's how they would approach it. Yeah. His hands. There's been rumors about fights that he must have had a broken hand in but he's so talented Canelo, you're right. Shuts them all down. And he'll be like, you know what I'm going to do tonight?

55:09 Hilarious. Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. Gotta love these backseat drivers. So the joke's on you. I call them yachts. He's excellent at what he does, for sure, across the board. and he's the only guy want to break it this is a good boxing retirement age for him and it's like do you want to do 50 yes well it's got I didn't hear any peep about it. So that's still a big worthwhile fight.

57:59 That's decent. Madison Square Garden was a pretty fucking substantial card. Yeah. a few days later, too, right? Tainting supplements. But I know those GNC stores, they do really well. And that's why it's working. And then people just started to drop, you know, like people would die. Or ephedrine, rather. And it took a while to process that that really was one of the key components of what you were taking.

1:00:23 And I almost had a fucking heart attack. I was just starting in jujitsu and it wasn't like, I mean, I knew what it felt like to My heart was about to explode in my fucking chest. I took him before a high school football game. It's like five sets of plays. And so we would set a timer for seven minutes, start to drop and you look down at your watch and when you get to like 140 ish you can just start

1:02:49 Like, okay, everybody's running two miles. If you want to beat people, you have to work harder than them. They're all fucking black belts. Days off if you're hurt or if you're sore, but you can't fuck off. goes out beyond just that workout yeah it fucks with your confidence because it fucks with your I'm one of those screenshot guys. that's intense yeah it was a little too intense I have a real interesting one on my Instagram I

1:05:11 Yeah. Okay. Thanks, yeah. Or something like that. Yeah. This would be a silly gimmicky shirt to it but no this is a shirt like from your fucking podcast it is yeah it's tell the story because it's so silly every week Yeah, because it used to be Red Band. His name is Fred Eichler, I think. What is the difference between a recurve bow versus like what you...

1:07:28 There's like a feel. Whereas a compound bow, the whole idea of a compound bow is there's an extreme amount So, like, my bow takes 84 pounds to pull back, Wow. But it's just super hard to hold one of those stick bows. Yeah. yeah to be able to do that a lot of times in a row yeah it's way harder than doing that with a I think he shoots with what they call a stick bow, which is the most primitive kind.

1:10:20 With? where you see on the bottom. Right. I mean, they're Incredible force. and they have like a very, like, Like spin them and shit comes close to coming in his pants and we also play like yeah so then it morphed into meaning like just chilling yeah and i don't know it just kind drinks this is just like a stupid thing like that we told our listeners we do we do this regularly

1:14:28 And then I just pull up. Like, okay, have a good day. But also, like, what do you say when someone says something like that to you? And then it gets to the end, it calls you mommy. The hotel. The hotel. And we figured out what room number we were in. And we called it deserved its own name. So it's called the Cincinnati Fart. Oh, Jesus. And we figured out what room number we were in.

1:16:02 And I go, I want to stay in this room. And she stayed professional. Well, I did have a Wow. He was pretty quick with like, this is a joke. Will you play his audio? I'll tell you. At the Laugh Factory. ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba. Yeah, let me see. how to do this. that I watch. of me with a camera It's a countdown to getting real funny. I know. That is awesome.

1:19:59 literally, I didn't even put my head net on. I got a moose. She was. They might want people to kill cows. And then do you report it? And you have a tag, and you take that. Yep. We stopped the truck. I'm like, do I have time to lean against anything? Boom. part of you gets excited, but I don't act like that guy. Which I understand. It's not fun. Yeah.

1:23:16 But it didn't feel like it. pieces of things. like do you think that if you took kids at an early age to a slaughterhouse what Kids that grow up in hunting families, they see that shit. She's like two. Yeah. You remember that you did this and then you, you used its them, maybe you cut them up and serve them and then you're eating them. Traveling somewhere poor will give you perspective on that for sure.

1:26:52 Who the fuck was that? They went up in a balloon like assholes. Yeah. Tom Papa and Friends. It's fucking fun. Does he have his own podcast? Come to Papa. Yeah, that's probably it. Sourdough bread? You make him some bread. He will punch you in the face if you say anything. Am I in France? years ago and i learned a very basic but you know a little more sophisticated way to make chocolate

1:30:18 You almost want it to be a crumble, like it breaks through the top. Not at all. God damn it. If you want the chocolate souffle, let us know now. I'm just going to eat healthy and lose all this weight, When you save money and you see the number go up, you know, like, It's like, I just want to see it grow. That simple human need to collect, that becomes, you become some corporate villain.

1:32:46 But you bring up a real good point. and they got to work out like the rock there should be something that you're pursuing Sure. Yeah. By the way, my point for this, too, is that I think it's a great endorsement of fat shaming What about a guy who's like a chef? hey anybody who's fat you should fucking fat right i'm just saying that in this scenario

1:35:56 There's a different effect. I hope I didn't sound like I was trying to say that. Yeah. I've told this story before, but when Kevin James was losing weight, his manager at the time, who he got rid of, was telling him that if he loses weight, he loses rolls. Like, what the fuck kind of advice is that? I wonder if they would approach it differently now.

1:37:44 You're creating your own shit. You're creating your own shit. That's pretty fucking badass. But see, That's a whole world At first they don't. that was just one of the things they said and then on the first notes pass It just gets really strange. Whoa. You could see it, you know, just had really struggled to try to get through the pitch two o'clock and then they're like what's going on right and then the the the usually the popular

1:40:52 They go, so what's the idea? you feel like sometimes you walk in the room in an audition and you feel like the casting director have you ever tried to pitch that like where you're like and you're like this I wanted to do, it was a stoned idea I had, Like I didn't have ideas for scripts. Where I play basically like a Rob Ford type character? person right and there's one guy who were like so um did you see the sizzle and he goes yeah

1:43:34 We're using Stan for some health care PSAs. and that was 14 years ago. April. Dude. Well, accused of it. It was like people would be like, oh my God, that's fucking awesome. Get out of here. But every now and then, someone will come in their office and something clicks and they Do you remember that show with the dude from ER? If you're on a hit show, you get so many more chances after that.

1:46:27 yeah, everywhere I'd walk, Which one? Fuck is that thing. Saws it in half, lifts it up in the air, buzzes through all the bark. incredible lamp it's not dude manning that it's nuts fucking wild yeah it's so disturbing when See the eyes? he's like hey some kind of a raptor and they don't just Those eyes. Yeah. I've never seen that. That thing will rip your fucking face off.

1:49:27 They're night predators. like pretty much blind. It couldn't fly. It would just perch, owl that was blind, like pretty much blind. It's in the 818. He's old and maybe something happened to his eyes too. I don't know. That guy looks like a portal to the heavens. that looks like that. Dude, it's this giant flying thing with huge talons and it only hunts at night and it's smart as fuck

1:51:29 Right. Do you like rats? Yeah. trotting down a fountain with a dog in its mouth before. crying and i opened the door and the door that was near the street the apartment there had a glass Yeah. Halloween 2017. Then don't fucking buy it. Jamie was into it. That's like a hybrid between a coyote and a wolf. Only by image. By image only? Yeah. Their genetics are exactly the same. But then the,

1:54:47 Coyotes are wolves. I've seen mountain lions. Anywhere between, I'm just guessing, anywhere between 50 and 70 pounds. really nice neighborhood we went to this really nice italian restaurant we're driving down this They hear the clicks of the nails of the coyote behind them, and the coyote just snatches So they don't just look at a cat. That thing's eating, it's killing everything.

1:57:03 So it's hard to say why they're killing it. They easily could be killing it for food, but they believe that they target those animals because those animals are fellow predators. Yeah. 12 alpacas, or 11 alpacas and one goat in malibu just went on a rampage just decided i just These totally tame things that aren't going to run good. It just probably came all over the place.

1:58:46 I'm a big Mountain Lion fan, folks. They decided to change this. bigger? Thank you, sir. She indicated that public outrage might have played a role in her decision, adding she when it comes to things like this. like big bear or you know somewhere probably close by but far enough away that it you know a mountain lion on the road see if you can find that story

2:01:01 Connecticut mountain lion walked from Animal. There's one of those expressions. That's too bad. That's so long, man. And as she's walking down the bridge, the fucking mountain lion's on the bridge and runs past her, and she films the whole thing, and she's freaking out. Holy shit. Right. Where was that? That's true. They're eating rednecks Frogging

2:03:40 What was that one Southern Comfort. They were just being an asshole. And when he died, Right. I'm going to warn you. A lot of old movies don't hold up. They tried to watch Stripes. but saw a hundred bad versions of Stripes Right. by yourself holding your sides at home laughing your ass off funny movie yeah yeah you're right That Fred Eichler Glasson video.

2:07:08 was funny what about What's that? HBO and Netflix. they can go so deep It's fucking unbelievable. There's too many good shows that guy's on no, I forget his laugh. That guy's unreal man Deadpool was pretty good. And that dude's really funny. Yeah, Ryan O'Neal. He's funny. That was really funny. Deadpool? That was a good movie. That was really fucking funny. Yeah. And that dude's really funny.

2:08:51 Ryan for a thousand, Alex. Yeah, he's a funny dude. Yeah, it's like an R-rated comedy. Yeah, it's got TJ Miller. I never watched Friends. and they just got people that had chemistry. And then after, I was like, you're retarded. Yes. Personal DVR. Have you seen the- I've only seen two episodes. It's 100% going to be able to record memories it's 100 it's going to happen yeah it's just a matter of whether or not we can survive the next hundred

2:12:06 Hey, we went fishing in Hawaii. And I think it's crazy that like your children will be able to grow up and think about. This doctor used the Snapchat spectacles, How about a heads up? I gotta pee man. Go pee bro. I'll watch this guy get cut open So it's essentially the same thing. They've already got it. look at their own stuff. They could look at their stuff through their eyes.

2:13:49 We should give them, like, spoiler alert and then 10 seconds. And then I'll just keep talking. 20 seconds? faced with this technology. there's a giant difference in that 30 years. It's going to probably be over. How come when, spoiler alert, if you cut them open, you see the robot parts? Forget who... That's what I'm saying. and they probably have to, it's 2017 now, basically.

2:17:01 I know, and I love him. I want him to be happy. Maybe they'll do something like that He's a fun guy to party with I feel like it's fairly recent in the time that I've known him and seen him do stand-up. Dude, is he bigger than you or is it just me? There's a belt right there. I'm sure it will be. Is that Eddie Ift? No, that's not true at all. There's no way he can get out of that?

2:19:24 He keeps bringing that one up. Really funny. Well, everybody can. Maybe he's trying to fuck with you. This is what I was going to tell you. Got it. No? There's something that happens. Kind of stinky? Oh, really? There's something that happens. My dumps are less horrific in the last 30 days for sure. So important. That's my favorite, I think. Salad's good.

2:22:07 Let's make a video. I'm going to show you how to make them so they taste good, and then I'm going to show you Brutal. But when I do do it, I feel it. I Giant. Like, almost okay that's gonna be part of the fun okay then on top of that four stalks of things. go in the bathroom and you're like oh my god i I'll go in the bathroom. And you're like, oh, my God, I'm not going to make it. You see the bathroom, and you're like, whoa, whoa.

2:24:52 Man, it's a fucking traditional Peruvian dish with meat, potato, It was the 50s, right? But there's like a need that your body has for saturated fat. mixed with saturated fats can be very bad for you. It's all moderation. and then you go you're like oh that's that's not bad that's normal i was just eating too much of it Somewhere around those numbers.

2:27:42 It's like a keto-friendly powder? Yeah. Oh, really? They make soda with stevia. If you like the flavor of stevia, it's good because it's kind of got like a flavor to Pass me the green one. Try. I want to try it. You're going to drink it and you're going to go, holy shit, because you have to kind Okay. I got hex squats. Let's do that shit. Do you make videos and then you put it up later we have we

2:30:49 yeah, we do. to get that one done. Yeah, but I'm super sloppy and I don't plan out. That's true. But yeah, I love the new studio space. There's a benefit to that if anything is getting wacky. Do you still do Ustream? It was just more versatile. I mean, it still, it allowed us to do this in the first place. Those go nuts. they're spraying which you know it's probably been done yeah somewhere at one point in time

2:33:40 Yeah. or biological warfare, something along those lines, no, like say, So they took some sort of, I think it was like a reflective particle or a traceable Of course. Dude, did you see that video I put up with that kid doing a fucking front flip over this gigantic overpass? Oh, my God. We need an edge, bro. What in the fuck is going through your mind

2:36:47 About three inches? Have you ever seen a duck's dick? Turns out they are about 13 inches long, though. And these ducks, their dicks are twisty. Yeah. rapey like yeah look at that one white one on top of the other one that one bird look at that They could probably see like a mile. I've glassed before. like there's a bunch of varieties. So a turkey naturally sees 20 times better than you.

2:39:41 So you literally have to be completely covered up if you want to hunt turkeys. Wow. Yeah, insane. Yeah. LASIK doesn't work on someone who has macular degeneration, he actually told me the term of it. They're going to give you eyes? He goes, you don't need it. What the fuck, dude? Reading computers, phones. I used to be able to read it perfectly. on my phone, same way, man, reading computers,

2:42:34 And she believes she's got a lot of pretty nutty ideas. We've been like this for years. staring at fucking screens like if something that didn't understand yeah yeah something that didn't Hey, let's make a video of you eating the kale shake. You can see 360 degrees all around you. And then it's just more and more and more screens. now it's virtual. Now you can get the screen and it's in your head. You can see 360 degrees all around you.

2:44:34 Yeah. I want to be in screen to now. Ran out to it afterwards. It's a real addiction, too. There's no interaction at the table. But oftentimes, you can get the same kid, especially if they like books, just give them a book to read. Dude, I don't doubt that at all. They're not moving at that. pick up you know and i think those people come from a world of playing growing up, right? Like imagine today's kid who's born now playing these level games that are out now.

2:47:50 I go, it's going to be a draw every time. Yeah. There's another draw. But now I offer some sort of a path. You don't do that. True. How smart is the person that won it? Is that supposed to be the call of the winner? It's weird when you see that one kid Do you end it like, it's a whole thing? You know there's like You motherfuckers I just thought about how dumb my question was.

2:50:23 It just makes you dumb. What kind of stupid shit is that? Columbus Day? Yeah, I know. Yeah. Unless the turkeys yeah, They had those flints and shit. They were eating deers. Mine came over in a boat pretty recently. That's when they came over here? Yeah. Oh my god. It was a Spanish guy. in Louisiana. And they're like, and he hung someone from I don't know.

2:53:26 That's amazing. Why are we going to work? Did that ever occur to you? Have you ever thought about being funny? Yes. as opposed to like, oh, that guy's older. best at something or trying to uh enjoy your life you know you know like a balanced happy way yeah And I think that if that's the case, if you're living your life like that, It's still this strange, temporary existence

2:56:51 Right. So that's a great counter to it. constantly. And he was still older comic who's also Yeah. Did he? Yeah. Still killing. think is that like I think about that I'll look at but you know people older than me then one of the things that I find inspiring is that I feel like So when I'm 30, that'll be my development. True. You know? For everybody.

3:00:36 True. Like Rodney. It might not even be real. It's all just been fiber optically implanted into that grain in the back of your ear. He's a genius. I hope he can take it as a joke. Jeff Ross had him. They roasted Oh, really? He got mad at the last few. And you got Alex Baldwin willing to do it. How is he not? It's a fucking stage play. Too actory. Yeah.

3:03:57 Yeah. did he punch somebody or something Oh, yeah. Yeah, but you can't. You feel like shit after that. Yeah. Man. I'm your dad. No. And no becomes like, this is going to be fucking awesome. she goes because she wasn't allowed outrage in kindergarten yeah really funny that's their world though they think that's like you know Because when they nail a punchline, sometimes they'll say something really funny.

3:06:58 Like every time you repeat it. Yeah. something funny and we all laugh, you can see their little eyes light up and then they want to make you laugh more. Yeah. cocky about it like i know that and then she's geeked out that you're laughing right she thinks They've done that before. Hilarious. What time should I leave? Cancel the show. How long has he been here?

3:09:38 You go, oh, he's probably cool. Yes. Yeah, he's got a few. No, are you thinking about getting something? Let's go champ. How the fuck does no one have that? Yeah, man. I didn't see the episode I didn't listen to it Man, I was fired up. That's my ringtone now. I would keep that for years. I was a boxer for a long time. Yeah. That's over. technical stabbing left hook.

3:12:43 conference announcing another fight and he's in the audience. Yeah. he's crazy like shannon briggs has gone crazy and then i realized oh he's just trying a new thing Because I was like, just always, you know, being this heavyweight knockout artist and Can you imagine if HBO came to his house, to make it a sensation, a hit, you know? I want to hear it.

3:14:23 That's a hundred percent how you guys are all the time. There's almost no filters between him and people. It's beautiful. What did you do today? He's awesome. you're getting straight Joey. Yeah. You're going to be able to stream your life. This is like the Motorola Razr. It's basically what it is in comparison to what they're going to have just in a few years from now.

3:16:58 By the way, I just want to tell you, very inspiring watching you do that set the other night in the main room doing all new material that I haven't seen before. Yeah. the store Is a motherfucker. I stopped by his, when I was in New York, oh, yeah, do time. He starts doing the set, and then Chris Rock walks out. you say the wildest shit though to rock.

3:18:59 man. Like how funny, though, of a thought about Your situation You know Yeah Arenas And he does giant spots Yeah? It's so crazy. Yeah, yeah. No. This is a rough one, right? and then I drank some coffee. Does that make sense? and I still fucked it up. People can buy that Glasson shirt? water consumption? I remember the first time I met you, it was in Phoenix.

3:22:53 But it was almost like if you drank one more bottle of water, someone would have to say something. So you're a super, super water champ. Yeah. dude just don't fucking drink for the next hour so you can sleep on the flight. But you don't do it. Usually I can't. My, How is that even possible? But in a good way. He just gets dropped off by the palate.

3:25:13 thanks for having me buddy Thanks, brother.