Joe Rogan Experience #90 — Joey Diaz Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Buckle up bitches. Joe Diaz is in my house. 20 minutes and he was basically asleep. I am. You know, I've been noticing I hate it. Look at this picture, Joey. Which is true. Brian, I lost my sound I barely touched it. go fuck yourself. And Joe Diaz I'm at the Bitter End in New York City on Tuesday at 9 o'clock. the guy that I met him during the UFCs.

3:21 you ain't got no ticket. I go, hey, Doug, you need a bud, don't you? are you fucking crazy? I would probably deny it. And he goes, why don't you do a show at my club down in the village? Wow. I love that little. And everybody's standing? I don't want to do nothing in Jersey for my friends and nothing like that. Why go through the aggravation? Tickets go on sale that night.

5:39 They got a credit card machine? $15, no drama. Let me see you get down on a fucking Tuesday night, old school style. I'm doing a club called The Comedy Club in Rochester, New York, in Webster. Bro, it's Rochester. That's brutal. I don't know. It's amazing to know you a long time and to see what's come of your life. numbers for you yet? Like, choreographed

7:25 I'm very proud of you. Joey, I like your hair today. You look like you're on your way to court. I just asked him, is there any reason why you're pulling me over? In my car By my house He had made a U-turn and got right behind me. Strong possibility, Brian. at 10 after 2 see you know Joe, you would smoke in the car everywhere. Don't smoke in the car.

9:30 I already get stoned in the morning. Now, I fucking feel like it's like that everywhere that's why there's states laws i mean that's how I was eating them, popping them with Ralphie May like they were candy. They do? Because I don't know what kind of testing they do If you're just a guy who works at UPS and, you know, you got a decent management job and you like it.

11:56 because you're worried, Unless you're really high. So I can't really judge if I would have done that regardless if I was high or not. or something. to the road. Get the fuck out of here. And you got this? You got this. It's fucking not worth it. You can scroll through it. BMW has that, too. You're hurling a giant metal machine 70, 80 miles an hour around a bunch of other ones

14:49 But, I mean, look, everything we've got today is fucking witchcraft 300 years ago. We're going to have to get over the idea of implants. Because he was doing magic? They paid him and asked him to fucking leave. spiritual people like well i didn't believe in religion but i'm very spiritual and i definitely Spike from last night watching and you've had some amazing, you know, fucking Avatar type movies.

17:33 It was brutal. that Africa's always fucked. It's crazy. Like, a lot of weird things that the studio burnt down. And that was the boxer. out of the bottom position. Well, it hadn't been done yet. sucks cocks in hell. She's an actress, the mother, on the bottom of the stairway she goes, Didn't they? Whatever it is. Oh my god. They were on TV, they never got to have a childhood

21:03 And say your mother sucks cocks in hell. How could you do a movie when you're 12 where you're stabbing yourself in the pussy with a cross? really scary movie. I never saw Exorcist as a kid. Yeah, that was a good one. At night, they're going to do a thing on A&E. She's so badass. You know what I mean? The way he got out of the jail, the way he tricked them and got out of the jail.

23:05 That was my nickname 2 when he talked the Freddy That's a fight. Like, Alien 1 and Alien 2 is debatable. now this is a totally different thing still awesome because these things are stupid now they When that shit came out, dude, I remember I went to see that, going to be like, man. It's not going to be like some Dude, she's badass. Who's the guy on my left foot?

25:49 You know, no, no. Daniel Day-Lewis. It was entertaining, but it was parts of it where you say, wow, this could have been really good. ah, shit, he's here. Like, you feel it when I can't do it. I don't know what it is who can do that. But those guys are valuable. But all of a sudden he's playing some guy from Brooklyn and you buy it? Michael Myers? Denzel, Marlon Brando, the chick from The Postman Always Rings Twice, that Jessica Lange.

28:13 what's that movie he did down on the island of that they were like we don't even want to hear that fucking name. That guy blew eight months of our life. And then for Superman, they're trying to call him up, come back. I gotta come off the island dog bro the guy showed up at the Oscars Oh, they booed the Oscars. Yeah, Marlon Brando sent a fucking Indian with a feather in their hat to pick up his Oscar. They were booing

30:00 you wanted to protest something. In public. people wouldn't re-see it. making public stands at the Olympics? And then everybody looked at it like as if they're racist, you know, what they're doing. They hold their fucking fist up in the air. United we stand, yet divided we fall. Look at him. He's breaking everybody's records. Whatever. What's up with these food trucks?

31:56 the whole street was just food trucks The food's okay. There's no overheads. And on the way out, they got these fucking trucks everywhere. if you want to go get some real Mexican food. carnitas. These are jalapenos they grew. right. You think you have like the second riff more that's coming No, I don't eat jalapenos. son. Brian likes mashed potatoes.

34:33 Wonder bread. And I think that's in Calabasas. You have to pay cash. and they got this fucking brisket sandwich, dude. backed up. And it's all from this thing. You know what's weird? Beautiful. No, we're not going to get any mushrooms. Excited to do Opie and Anthony I didn't really know but I didn't want to go back because it's going to be busy in the next couple weeks.

36:53 to the Air Force Academy, where you had won. And people would throw shit at her and call her a Jackie O, you cunt. Right. I wanted to rob this drug dealer. I used to hide three kilos I would make him payments every week. So you were going to pay him back and then rob him. So people would come to me and say, bro, I'm in a bind with George. That's a weird thing, like lending money.

38:53 41%. It's a loan shark. No, you're right. What if you had gold? What if you were worth like $50,000 in gold? Even when they rip everybody off. It's not based on gold anymore. It's not like this $100 bill is worth $100 worth of gold. It's not based You can't just, like, say, look, I've got millions of dollars because it's everywhere. Fuck gold. a line on a kilo of coke.

40:50 These guys go to Miami, and they're scared. lost a lot of credibility when Sammy the Bull you realize, whoa, this is not the How much was the money? you've got to assume that you're all going to keep your mouth shut. Oh, Brian. And also, one day, you actually, to be a cop, you have to have a certain gene. It's $38,000 to start. 150,000, Who the fuck are they bothering? You know, that's how

43:21 And at the end of the day, you go home at 8 in the morning after a 12-hour shift. so I'm always a gentleman to cops. I don't want And you need some protection from those people. If you come down to it, that's just sitting there talking shit. he'd get the views you get? Or this fucking yelling and screaming. They'll see things we I'm too much of a fucking piece of shit.

45:26 New Zealand. Like a bunch of fucking momos. week with these people. Think about what it takes What can they even do right now? Yeah, it's fucking over. I loved it for a couple days. Are you believing that shit? Those are coke people. Those coke people he's hanging out with? That's what he talked. Are you believing that shit? And for the first 10, I did it with people because it was fun.

47:08 I didn't like it. Suck them fucking nuts. everything he's doing, you know, winning, you know, I can see you're working on it or whatever the fuck you had to say to me. Well, I'm not saying he's on the money, stop him. Oh, no. So, yeah, It was fucking amazing. Me too. That last time. That's why I haven't done it in seven years. I've done the tea for concerts.

49:39 I mean a psychedelic mushroom? Not there, but one of those towns where you're like, what the fuck? war coverage begins at five. Everything was a pattern. three and i was like I wish I would have had muscles because, boy, the shit had went down. I have never eaten Faberman's food, but I hear he's a bad motherfucker. It was a Monday night football game, and he goes, bro, I got to go home.

53:10 gym or something. So I sit down I'd like to report something he just got shot in the Dakota It's like John Lennon got shot and they shoot the other Beatles. It's weird when you remember when people died, the jolt. What is it about memory that some memories are so much more potent than others? But I didn't know what was happening. I can see the walls of her room.

55:14 I don't know if it's that or what, because sometimes that kind of shit pops out of nowhere, though. Does it work? We're working on it right now. But you know what I'm talking about, right? Everything in that genre that maybe had to do with it. that was like his song. a little bit. little shitty tinny speakers. And we'd be eating cheeseburger deluxes at three o'clock in the morning after

57:32 especially when I was doing the Q&A, which I haven't been doing recently, because I'm And I thought about it. because it's like it's it's a little indulgent but anyway my point is when people who yell out I was Jesus on an asteroid. of 2,000 fucking people. There's just too many I mean, maybe in the future. I love Columbus. W.C. Fields. W.C. Fields

59:54 You've got to get picked. It was unappropriate. sometimes. I think it's like a slang term no about how hard it was And then they'd give you a script and a loaf of bread. JFK? They always had stuck. The people that did stick, all the You got to suck a little dick and do something where people pay attention to you on the internet like Kim Kardashian.

1:02:11 The bitch got a song. I mean, she's not... There's a lot of people that fall through the cracks. I used to fly fishing. We used to talk to him every week. He's walking through Europe right now. He was my first manager. That was 10 fucking years ago. People that came to the store and said, Dude, there's so many. When I saw Mike Ricka at the store, I remember thinking we were probably around the same age or something,

1:04:55 And I think, this guy's going to fucking take off. Look at her. remember but why am i blanking on her name? Eve. Yeah, you know, I'm always happy when someone figures out a way to make it through the crazy net, like the salmon ladder or whatever the fuck it is, to get to the top. Dude, you knew that he was going to get that big? That was before he started with colleges.

1:06:52 Twice. I mean, we started out this podcast, the podcast really comes in, it comes in for everybody else. It comes in for all these other people that don't have people like us around them. all of us in our own lives are overcoming adversity and dealing with situations and being honest about Well, I'll tell you what. You don't like to do it. I don't want to sell the other place.

1:09:15 I want to be me, dog. Come in here and talk to us from the heart. people. Some interesting people. This is fucking beautiful with him with his hat. I've always tried to put myself in this way. dope with everybody because next thing you know, It's like you have like a network of people that you interact with now You just click a link, bink, block. It's a network unlike any other.

1:12:04 And when we paid for their tickets or an interview on television, nobody ever got this personal and this down and dirty with people. I got home like 10. the egg roll. So you pinch it too Oh, all right. about being uncircumcised What? It's supposed to feel better when you have the skin over it. Can you like tie it in a knot She was You know those No

1:14:48 I think it's dirty. No, no. when they become a man, they go and circumcise him He's circumcised, though. It's good. Is that who it is? I thought she was talking about someone she knew. That is funny, though. I watch it, but I'm an adult. Did you see Team America? Yeah. Listen, though. I don't have that time, a cartoon guy It's a fucking man's world, like James Brown said.

1:17:42 I'm going to go hang out with my buddies like we're up with for a couple days, dog. There's douchebags everywhere. Is it the weather? Does the weather make them do that? Yeah. It's not like it's like But I think the percentage like faggots. for me when I needed them the most, and they're happening are you worried at all about all these shit that's happening? Are you worried at all about all these fucking

1:19:59 This radiation's gonna leak. Where are these What's going to happen there? But dude, if something really bad happens, you've got to get the fuck out of here. Well, nothing's happened since 94. And you know, there's, there's a reason why it's 12,000 fucking feet above sea level. What the fuck is that going to happen? You know, they still don't know what the fuck stopped the Ice Age. You know, the ice age was just 10,000 years ago, which is nothing.

1:22:34 What caused that radical change in the atmosphere? Hey, stop polluting my water, man. All we could do is pray for the best. Yeah, right. like 10 minutes before, call me, alright? in one of those underground bunkers that you can... Yeah. their fucking weed laws. You don't think people grow sativas? I'm sure there are, dude, but it ain't that easy to find. But can I get up

1:24:59 dealers. You've got to deal with people that are willing to I think it's fine He'll listen, buddy. I mean, it gets awesome seeds. I've always been a real motherfucking head. amateur. And when you run into a fucking professional looked at me like I was a fucking genie. He's a professional. Oh, look at that butt in Ohio and go, you're a bad motherfucker, dog.

1:26:55 This is 30 years. I don't play that stupid nonsense shit. And you're a professional and you left your weed at home. They will not answer the fucking phone. high at night, like sometimes at night just to sizzle it. I write high every time. when i'm sober i'm like slowly piecing it together it's like the difference between typing with your It's like it flows.

1:29:11 You did that a bunch of times. I'm doing it in North Hollywood. I'm going to do it at this theater in Lancashire just for 40 people. i write the one-man show and i get myself in a different state like it's it's the one-man show I don't know. Today's the motherfucking 16th. You're living in a place where earthquakes happen all the time. Now, if an earthquake happens and the power goes out and something goes wrong, you don't have a way to cool this fucking thing.

1:31:27 Right. But now, on CNN, there's a new official report. There's like 150 of these in this country. I don't know. You know what's sad about Japan? It just kills me that that's the end of that fucking party because that's it. crazy you know what nuclear power is i mean you're harnessing the very power, the very thing that makes suns. You know I mean that's like what they do in in Nevada like the only there's always like the disputes and debates about where to

1:34:12 20 million people, well, fuck, man. The 170, the 401. days and days and days. weirder and weirder it really does seem like we're in a movie now like this charlie sheen thing happens and even the kim I'm a map freak. So a 5.1 is 100% stronger than a 5.0. And it is 100% stronger than that. That's crazy. Oh, I'd get the fuck out of my house. Not even.

1:37:06 And they're flying around. Rats will survive a few mice and rats are going to be picking off decaying flesh and surviving on fucking thing hit man it probably killed everything within miles and miles you know it's a half a mile long the crater i think or a mile maybe whatever the fuck it is i mean that thing Yesterday, my wife said to me, Joe, if something ever happened, it would take me three hours to walk home from work.

1:39:07 It's hard to bring a pair of roller skates to work. I don't know. These concerns didn't even enter into people's heads just weeks ago so just this fucking earthquake just weeks ago weeks ago people were like immune to it all People died in the tsunami. And they were all screaming for him. A lot of damage in docks, yeah. Yeah, it still stinks. It smelled like, yeah, like really old dead shit.

1:41:03 They haven't get the full results of what happened. But what's really spooky is the same thing is happening in Mexico. No one knows exactly why they're at the surface of the water. Could you imagine if it was some crazy Christian motherfucker? Have you seen these, Joey? that you could predict the fucking day. who knows what the fuck it really said in the first part.

1:43:08 You know, he's buying billboards everywhere. I like Alex a lot. I'm open to reinterpretation at all times. about the Mayan civilization. And then on top of that, the end of the cycle. things. You know, if there's some other astronomical body that, or cosmic body that when it lines up That could be the reasons why these things, what's thought of that a new age is coming,

1:46:18 You know, they think they could get unprecedented levels of gamma bursts. A lot of our satellites would be fucked. You know, who cares? So what do you think about New York Is there a party in the city afterward? Woo! I was looking at Jariah Faber today. Jariah Faber is a fascinating dude. He has all this and landing on your fucking head. He had Hojirio Noguera.

1:49:40 Shouldn't have ever took the fight in the first place, but I guess he just needed the money. I think he's the real deal, dude. They thought they were going to get the best bang out of your That's... They're both Antonio. Antonio Jirio and Antonio Rodrigo.. Mr. Wonderful. Yeah, he's fighting. Oh, yeah. They're both Antonio. Rodrigo. I'm pretty sure. And him and Ninja, or him and Shogun had a fucking motherfucker. That guy submitted to Dan Henderson. He beat over him, I believe. I'm pretty sure.

1:51:19 people around, it doesn't look like You know what I'm saying? Like you watch like a beetle move or an ant move like something like He caught a kick. Who the fuck does that He didn't stop Stefan Bonner. You know, I wish Miller had a full training conscientious, you know. I like Miller. And they know that you always have, he's always training. Those guys are real conscientious.

1:53:15 Now this motherfucker's got to go into New Jersey. freak you out? He's fighting I mean, when the guy keeps getting knocked out That was a good fight. He got stopped by, I think he got, no, Verdum finished him. I took him to fight June 18th. fought His stand-up was fucking nasty. Here's a good fucking fight on this card, man. with the good Muay Thai. A small kid,

1:56:17 This Iranian, I believe he's Iranian, and he's a wrestler. Mike Pyle's tricky as fuck, dude. Yeah. He's fighting, too. He's a badass striker, dude, a badass striker. instead of 10, it's going to start at 9. We're going to have some fucking fun. And there's still a few tickets left, but not much. So we'll see you there at the end of the month. And this is on what street?

1:58:50 And we'll see you guys next Tuesday. It's awesome. You've got to listen to this girl. I love you too. Come on, dog. Thank you to the Fleshlight. Twitter, Facebook, check yourself before you wreck yourself.